Crossing These Friends off My List

Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This Christian notion of loving thy neighbor is nonsense, according to the latest science. Those people who have slighted you should be hated, if you are going to live an authentic life. If you want to be fake, keep smiling at the assholes, that’s your business.

I list below their real names and what they did to deserve to be crossed off. To all of you friends that didn’t make the list — be careful. This is an annual thing. Treat your friends right, though, and you have nothing to worry about.

Tony — Didn’t return my email for one week. Had to re-email him. Bye Tony.

Leslie — Refused to lend me her cat declawing snippers. Thanks, Lelsie. Had to borrow them from Amy Sedaris.

Ruben — Didn’t read my blog. Not once. I emailed it to you exactly 313 times this year. I know, it’s so hard to click. Well, I just clicked on your name and pushed delete.

Laurelai — Didn’t invite me to your July 4 barbecue. That’s right Laurelai, I heard all about it. What, you think I wouldn’t hear about it? Seems like you actually want to be crossed off my list. I’m almost tempted to leave you on, just to spite you. On second thought, nah.

Torrin — Didn’t return my text message. Claimed you didn’t see it. Didn’t return my text message again. This time you didn’t claim anything. You just ignored me. I will not be ignored Torrin. Bye now.

Pablo — Told a mutual friend that you thought I was pompous. OK, I am pompous. In fact, I’m the pompatous of love. But not for you, Pablo. You’re dead to me.

Mario — Told me what Pablo said about me being pompous. Nobody likes a snitch. Bye Mario.

And finally….

Ellen — Criticized my writing. How dare you! How dare you I say!

Thank you. You have no idea how good that felt. Such a purge. Happy holidays everyone!