Dodgers Sign Slugger for One Zillion Dollars
In what is undoubtedly the biggest salary ever, the Los Angeles Dodgers signed home run hitter Babě Rũţh, Jr. for one zillion dollars and thirteen years.
Babě Rũţh, pronounced “Ba-bay Roit-hah”, who comes from Slovenia and is no relation to the Great Bambino, was a relatively unkown Triple A prospect when a Dodgers scout noticed his name on the roster.
“Rũţh is a great hitter,” said scout Sammy LaKofacks. “I saw him point to right field with his bat and then fly out to short left. I mean, it was almost pretty impressive.”
Unlike the Sultan of Swat, Babě Rũţh Jr. is not chubby. He’s thin and rather weak looking. Like he needs a mom.
“The women are going to go crazy for this guy,” said Scout LaKofacks.
Are MLB salaries out of control? Just this week we’ve had two thirty million plus signings, now a zillion for this relative unknown. What’s next?
“I could see paying a few gazillion for a good closer,” said LaKofacks, boarding a train in New York for the three-day journey west.
What is a zillion anyway? I mean, how many zeroes? We’re getting to numbers nobody even understands any more. Our researchers have concluded that a zillion dollars is more than all the money on earth, combined.
“The Dodgers are really going out on a limb on this,” said banker Douglas Potter. “We’re willing to lend them the money, but as collateral we asked them to give us Babě Rũţh’s left hand.
“He’s a switch hitter,” said LaKofacks, via text message, as his train crossed over into New Jersey. “So he’ll be fine without the left hand. And anyway, aren’t we still talking about the last one-armed baseball player? I see this as a plus. Only more reason for the fans to come out, overpay for hot dogs and check out this one-armed Caliph of Clout.”
And opening day is still more than a month away!
Play ball!
