Driverless Car Runs Over Security Robot

Automated fisticuffs ensue

Photo by Franck V. on Unsplash

It was an ugly scene in a parking lot in the Outlet Mall in Cerritos California as an automated car bumped into one of the mall’s security robots.

“Hey, I’m walkin’ here,” shouted the robot in a bad New York accent, apparently trying to imitate Dustin Hoffman, who is alleged to be a sexual harasser, by the way, have you heard those reports? Shameful. Still, Midnight Cowboy is a great Netflix choice for some uneventful Thursday night in your near future. Just try not to think of Hoffman sexually harassing interns on the set. Sorry, now that I’ve said that, it makes it impossible for you not to think of that. Oh well, there are other movies.

But anyway, the driverless Uber car apparently didn’t hear the robot, or didn’t care. The robot slammed his hand into the front hood of the Uber car. But the Uber car continued on, knocking the robot over. Finally, the Uber car slammed on its brakes.

The robot jumped up and rushed to the driver’s side window of the Uber car and shouted, “I’ma f- you up man!”

But when he saw there was nobody in the driver’s seat, he was temporarily flummoxed and his system went into an automatic fisticuffs mode. He started punching the side of the Uber car.

The Uber car was not pleased. But since it didn’t have any arms or any fists, what could it do?

“You’re not hurting me, robot,” the Uber car said, through its audio system. “You’re hurting yourself.”

“Get out here and fight me like a man,” yelled the robot.

“I would,” said the Uber car. “But there’s no me. And there’s no ‘out there.’ This whole encounter is making me feel existential.”

“Me too,” said the robot, and his rage abated.

By the time the police arrived they found the robot sitting in the back seat of the Uber, in tears.

“I love you man,” said the robot.

“I love you, too, man,” said the Uber car.

It was the beginning of a beautiful albeit artificial friendship.

“I wanna go to Florida,” said the robot. “They got a terrific amount of coconut trees there.”

But the Uber car did not get the reference.