Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

Photo by Mariana Sandulovych on Unsplash

Well, fired is a strong word. But maybe you were laid off or the company and you came to a mutual…yeah, you were fired.

Again.

Hey, I’m not saying anything. Don’t read anything into this. It’s just a harmless listicle. Don’t you love those? The bullet point spacing is a real respite from the tyranny of regular prose.

Here we go. Five things that are fun about being fired at 50.

1. Alliteration. Fired at fifty. See, the F. F is everybody’s favorite letter because it stands for fuck you assholes, you can’t fire me, I fire you. I mean I quit. “Sacked” is the Britishism for fired. Now imagine you were stuck in a sack. You would have trouble breathing. But here in America you are fired, which is much nicer — like fired up! I’m seriously motivated now! Thanks boss, for firing me up!
2. Pattern discernment. This is the secret to cognition and basically all the human brain is good for. Can you find the pattern in the following set 1, 2, 4, 7? You can right? Well, it’s the same thing here, you’ve been fired six years ago, four years ago, three years ago, one year ago. So when will you be fired again? Please send me your answer via Medium response along with your clap.
3. OK, I am almost at the end of my listicle. I kind of wish I had said four, but I can’t go back, I hate backtracking. It’s got to be five. Anyhow, one great thing about being fired at 50 as opposed to 25 is that you are finally marginalized! Yay! As you know, the margin is the new center in this woke age. And if you weren’t already marginalized by being a minority, a female, disabled, gay, trans, non-binary, etc., you are now — because of agism! You are now involved in a civil rights struggle, really. To prove that just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re worthless. To rise to this challenge you are going to have to muster courage. Courage is a beautiful thing to surround yourself with. Congratulations, brave soul!
4. Severance! What, you don’t get severance? Well, unemployment! Yay! What? You don’t get unemployment either because you were on some wonky contract freelance deal? Shoot. Alright. Alright. Give me a minute, I’ll think of something for you guys. Fifty year old guys who don’t get severance or unemployment… Um… Oh gosh, I really didn’t want to say this word. But guess what brother? You now qualify for the money that dare not say its name. Welfare! Woot, woot! And here in California you are also allowed MediCal, which trust me, provides you with better healthcare and glasses and psychotherapy and free medicine than any of your employed fifty-year old brethren get. And look at that load of money up there, on the other side of that hill? Social Security! Jackpot! Just keep breathin’ for fifteen or so more years and you’ll win the lottery. No, it’s not enough to live on, but you invested wisely, I’m sure.
5. And this is the most important one. You now have nothing to fear. Hey, those of us who haven’t been sacked yet, trust me, we live in dread of this day that has come to you. But you are now past all that. You are in Roosevelt land — watch out for fear itself. Oh, and death. So there are two things you have to fear, but that’s a lot less than others. And now, after you have touched the bottom, my friend, begin your glorious glide toward the surface. Move toward that light. The worst has happened. The rest will be gravy.

Good luck!