How to Make a Chicken out of Tonsils

Sarah Totton
Aug 22, 2020 · 4 min read

Hello, children, and welcome back to the Green Peter Studio!

Photo by Eugen Str at Unsplash

As we all know, chicken is usually made out of chicken.

But today, we’re going to show you how to make your very own chicken out of things you can easily find around your home.

Let’s get started.

The first thing you’ll need is a template of a chicken.

If you don’t already have a chicken template in your home, ask your father or your older brother to trace one for you from an issue of National Geographic.

If you don’t have any National Geographic in your house, find a chicken on the internet, lay some paper over your computer screen and trace around the chicken’s body with black chalk.

Now, roll that piece of paper into a tube. That’s your template.

Once you’ve got your template, ask your mother if you can borrow her butcher’s apron.

Put on the apron.

Now, it’s time to get some tonsils.

You’ll need one heaping bucketful plus two, level teaspoons of human tonsils.

If you can’t find any in the kitchen cupboard, you’ll need to harvest some. Just ask your father, your mother, your brothers, your sisters, your aunts, uncles, and cousins to give you theirs. If they refuse, then ask your little sister to get you some tonsils from your local abattoir. Alternatively, you could try to catch some wild tonsils. All you need is an empty jam jar, some string, a box of Weetabix, and the magic ingredient: patience.

Have you got the tonsils? Good!

Before you can use your tonsils, you’ll need to cut off the shanks — those are the dangly bits hanging from the bottom of the tonsils. Don’t throw those away. We’ll be using them later.

Human tonsils aren’t self-sticking, so you’re going to need a strong adhesive. We suggest DELO MONOPOX VE403728, the strongest adhesive on Earth. If you don’t have any of that around your house, mix some flour and water together to form a paste.

Use the industrial adhesive (or paste) to stick the tonsils to your template. Be sure to cover the entire template or it won’t look like a chicken when you’ve finished.

The next step is building the legs. I’ve used a pair of human phalanges — phalanges are fingerbones. Ask your maiden aunt if she can spare you a couple. If you don’t have a maiden aunt, you could use a pair of parsnips, some PVC pipe, or two toilet rolls. You want to wrap your phalanges (or parsnips or PVC pipe or toilet roll) with strips of newspaper. If you don’t have any newspapers at home, you can find some on the floor of your neighbor’s doghouse. Coat the strips of newspaper with the industrial adhesive (or flour paste) and then wrap them around the phalanges.

It doesn’t look like a chicken yet, but that’s because you haven’t painted it blue. You can use modelling paint, or your Uncle Albert’s nail polish or anything you can find around the house.

Make sure to brush the “paint” right to the edges of the tonsils.

Your chicken is nearly finished.

Here’s one I made earlier:

Photo by Pau Casals at Unsplash

I’d like to pause at this juncture to say a word about double-sided sticky tape:

You don’t need double-sided sticky tape to make a chicken but here at the Green Peter Studio, we are contractually obligated to say “double-sided sticky tape” at least three times per episode.

It’s time to put the mustache and eyebrows on. Here’s where we use those tonsil shanks you put aside. You did remember to put them aside, didn’t you?

There! All finished. You’ll need to store it for 10 days until it’s fully set. Put it in a cool, dry place, for instance, your stepmother’s airing cupboard.

Now your chicken is ready to stand on your dining room table, at the end of your parents’ bed, or on your front lawn, depending on the local bylaws where you live.

Josef (age 7) sent us a picture of a chicken he made from tonsils. Unfortunately, for legal reasons, we can’t show you the picture. But take our word for it, it looks just as good as one you’d buy in the shops!

And a special shout-out to Jessica (age 10) from Liverpool who built a wombat out of some rinderpest she found in her garden shed. Well done, Jessica!

Stay tuned for our next episode when we’ll show you how to knit an air conditioner!

Down in the Dingle

Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all…

Down in the Dingle

Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all kinds, listicles, news, fiction, non-fiction, essay, personal essay, song, etymology, quiz, contest, book review, movie trailer, apology, poem, bad poem, six word novel, simulation, love, truth.

Sarah Totton

Written by

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

Down in the Dingle

Down in the Dingle is a place for satirical pieces of all kinds, listicles, news, fiction, non-fiction, essay, personal essay, song, etymology, quiz, contest, book review, movie trailer, apology, poem, bad poem, six word novel, simulation, love, truth.

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