Literary Cardiologist: This is what happens when you eat a…

“orange heart decor” by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

1. Peach. You are transported to a farm in Georgia called Tara. As God is my witness, you will never go hungry again.
2. Plum. Probably fine, but you probably should apologize, even if it was so cold and so good.
3. Egg. You are mistaken. It should have been “an” egg, not “a” egg. Please pay more attention.
4. Giant marshmallow. Check your pillow. It may have gone missing in the night.
5. Fish. You have possibly eaten William Faulkner’s mother, but not to worry, he’s not lying around dying any more, he’s quite dead now.
6. Goldfinch. Don’t. It is too Tartt..
7. Madeleine dipped in tea. A shudder may run through you which could last for at least two thousand pages. A little bit of this goes a long way.
8. Spoonful of honey. You may feel a rumbly in your tumbly. Oh bother.
9. Daily portion of gruel at the workhouse. It’s quite nutritious, but do not under any circumstance ask for more.
10. Bowl of bread and milk and blackberries for supper. Very fattening. Better to have chamomile tea and go straight to bed.
11. Turkish delight given to you by a white witch. Could lead to stomach upset or betrayal of your family.
12. A piece of fruit with your eyes closed. So sexy until you open your eyes and see what’s happened to poor Mickey Rourke.
13. Piece of Miss Havisham’s wedding cake. Probably fine, but remove black fungus, mice and spiders before eating.
14. Plate of eggs that are green with a side of ham. You will not like them.
15. Fried green tomato. That’s 35 cents you’ll never get back.
16. Piece of eat me cake. You will grow enormous, be forced to drink shrinking portion and consume various blue and red pills as you find yourself trapped in the cycle of crash dieting and gaining weight back.

How many of these references do you get? The first one to email me with all 16 correct receives the grand prize. (Simblack@aol.com)