Make American Gravy Again
I just don’t get it. Used to be you could go into the grocery and it was all good old-fashioned American food. Carrots and cabbage. Onions and peas. Lettuce, potatoes and pumpkins. Corn on the cob and cucumbers. Just like in your garden. And fruit! Apples and berries. Peaches and pears. Watermelon. Basics like milk and eggs and white bread so soft you could sleep on it. Meals were meat and potatoes and you were happy to have it. Spices? Salt and pepper, that’s all you needed. Ketchup and mustard for the fancy folk.
But now? You go to the supermarket and it’s full of foreign food. Kumquats and whatnot. Avocados and pineapples and mangos. And that’s just the fruit. Went to the bakery yesterday. Guy asked me what I wanted. Bread, I said. What kind? he asked. Turns out there’s dozens now. With all kinds of seeds and nuts and stuff. Was so confused I just picked one and left. Took it home and made a sandwich. Felt like I was eating wood. Had to soak it in water a few minutes just to loosen it up. And there’s all those other things, from foreign countries. Bat balls or whatever. I don’t even know what they are but they don’t look like food to me. My granddaughter, she’s a vegetarian. Loves tofu and kimchi. Never thought I’d see the day real Americans eat tofu.
Don’t get me wrong. I got nothing against foreigners. Most of them, anyway. I don’t mind the Italians and their spaghetti. So long as they don’t use too many of those herbs. Gives me gas. And the French are okay. Gave us fries after all. Sausages are German and the Poles make a mean pickle.
But the others? Mexican food is too spicy. What is it with them and hot sauce? And beans. I hate to think what their houses smell like. Especially with the windows closed. At least they have the decency to eat corn.
Not like the Orientals. Lord only knows what’s in Chinese food. Gladys made me go to one of their restaurants once. Said it would be interesting. Big mistake. All they did was yell at me. And the look on their faces when I asked for a fork. You call that customer service? Maybe back where they come from but not here in the good ol’ U. S. of A. Here, we smile.
At least they cook their food. Not like the Japanese. They eat theirs raw. Talk about disgusting. Not to mention unhealthy. You can get worms that way. Had a problem with that when I was a kid. Doc had to put tape on my butthole and let rip. Like a Brazilian wax, only with critters. And that fish they eat, the big one that blows up. It’s full of poison! No wonder they flew their planes straight at our ships in the war. Too sick to think straight.
The rest of Asia is spicy as heck. Curry? Isn’t India hot enough? Vietnam puts their pasta in water and the Thais are just as bad. My grandson tried to get me to taste his peanut sauce once. Peanut sauce? What’s wrong with peanut butter? Put some on a bit of bread and Bob’s your uncle.
And don’t get me started on that Araby stuff. Went to a do last week. Church social. Henrietta made something called hummus. Thought she was talking about gardening. Certainly looked like dirt. No, she said. It’s good. Chick peas with lemon and garlic. And some flat bread that’s almost impossible to open. That’s it? I thought. No wonder they hate us so much. They want our burgers.
Well, you know what they say. Fight fire with fire. And that’s just what I’m going to do. By firing up my oven and making a nice big pot roast. A full five-pounder. With potatoes and corn and gravy. The tree-huggers can have their tofu. I’m going to eat meat. God bless America.
