Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to get you really excited about this new breakthrough. It could be about two topics, as these are the only two topics anybody seems to care about.

One — medicine. They have finally found a cure for something. Maybe death itself. Probably cancer. Or Alzheimer’s. Maybe something that will make you thinner. And you don’t have to diet or exercise. Perhaps a baldness cure. “It seems to have worked on mice,” is what we might hear at the beginning.

Two — energy. They have finally found a way to make energy cheaper than oil, they may in fact have discovered a form of fusion or fission, new method solar capture, or artificial photosynthesis. Whatever the case, the good news is that now our planet will probably be saved from those carbon producing fuel sources and maybe our children will have a decent world to live in. “This could lead to a revolution in energy production in the future,” is what they might say.

But, and this is an important but, it’s probably too early to get excited. So let me bring in a real scientist who actually knows what he’s talking about, someone with a degree from Harvard or maybe Oxford.

Professor Soandso from that University cautions that there is not enough data at this point to support this or any other assertion, and that most scientists he knows are full of shit.

“These results have been wrongly hyped,” said Professor Soandso. “This early experiment proves nothing. Or next to nothing. Good night, I’m going to bed. I’m extremely old. I’m ninety.”

So there you have it. An Amazing Breakthrough! Once again proven to be naught.

Pshaw…

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