Down in the Dingle
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Down in the Dingle

She has achieved Instagram perfection — and she’s only 19!

“woman taking photo of herself in the mirror” by Christina Boemio on Unsplash

Her name is Aubrey. She would like to make it known to the world that she has accomplished everything she hoped to accomplish on Instagram. And now she is at a loss. How should she proceed from here? What more is there to do, now that she has done it all?

I am here to help her, in any way I can.

But first, let’s get to know Aubrey. In each of the thumbnail photos on her Instagram feed you will see the same long dark hair, and the thin frame, the sexy sun dress or the nice tight jeans, and the gorgeous Aubrey looking at you, like perfection. But wait a minute. Something seems off here.

Look again at the thumbnails. You don’t see Aubrey in groups of gals, out having a good time together, like you do in so many teenage Instagram feeds. Aubrey is 9 times out of 10 all by herself, looking somewhat lonely in her perfect pose. In her perfect worlds.

Laguna Beach. Malibu. Behind her is the ocean, and the sun. Who takes all these photos, one wonders? It’s probably her boyfriend Josh — who happens to be a hot guy, very successful. That’s right, in addition to being so perfect in every way — she’s also hooked up with a real cool guy.

This is the life that everyone should have. But only one person can have this life. And this person is Aubrey. And only one guy can have Aubrey — her boyfriend Josh.

Not you.

She is the girlfriend every guy dreamed of having — but doesn’t have. She is the girl every female dreamed of being — but failed. In other words, she makes everybody feel awful and wonderful at the same time.

But hold on friends, don’t be so jealous. So you can’t have her as a girlfriend. And women, you can’t be as thin and pretty and adorable as her. Never mind. Consider this before you go wild with jealousy and smash your iPhones.

Aubrey is just a human being. And like all human beings, she is flawed. Flawed? You can’t imagine how this perfect 19-year-old could be flawed. But what person feels the need to display herself in all her perfect lovely glory for all the world to see, on Instagram? Isn’t this perfect Instagram world she created a little, I don’t know, lonely?

Aubrey, are you lonely?

Let’s look at some of her captions. For example, “I love sunshine.”

She’s wearing a lovely sun dress and a beautiful straw hat and standing in front of some red flowers. But really, I love sunshine?

What about this one, she’s leaning back on an outdoor sofa. “A smoothie and the beach, another day in paradise!”

Alright, I’m not trying to be a literary critic here. What I am trying to do is make you guys and gals feel better. Isn’t it obvious that being Aubrey (and having her as a girlfriend) is probably ………dare I say it, a little sad and boring.

She goes around town setting herself up in various lovely Instagram poses. And then she adds a vapid caption to it. I am actually starting to feel sorry for her.

What only moments ago seemed like the greatest life ever has started to drip with shallowness and inanity. Thank God for these captions.

Let’s look at another one. This is under the photo of Aubrey in her white bikini, hand behind her head, her big tiger rimmed sunglasses tilted slightly upwards as she looks off into the clouds, her body rippling Well, this caption is just three emojis — dolphin, swirling star, and flower.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

OK, Aubrey. I agree, you have achieved everything that can be achieved on Instagram. And you have succeeded in making millions of people delightfully miserable. The amount of people who have been made unhappy by your Instagram probably compares to the amount of people who suffered from the various horrible natural disasters that have afflicted the earth. The Plague, for example. Your Instagram feed has done about as much harm as the Plague.

But you could do more. See, you have offered people a potential cure with these captions. Now I see the way for you to move forward.

Imagine if you actually had intelligent, thoughtful, poetic or meaningful captions instead of these stupid comments and these dumb emojis.

For instance, instead of those three emojis, how about this for a caption of you staring off into the distance in your white bikini:

“Dear creator, or dear random accident, I am not sure which, but I need to speak to you. This day that you have made, this magnificent day, this majestic creation that is your earth and this mysterious game you have invented that we call existence — if you are an accident, you are a happy happenstance! And if you are a God, you are indeed a great one. I kneel before you humbled, awed and filled with grattitude.”

I am available. Please contact me before you next pose. I will write something like that that sounds smart and soulful and awesome. And then, Aubrey, the damage you could do in the world. I think you could make the rest of mankind collectively jump off a cliff and kill themselves because you will be so wonderful that it just makes the rest of us sick.

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Simon Black

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.