Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069
I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news:
In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it was destroying the earth. They are lovely, kind, and immortal, of course. They are also sympathetic bosses. If you need to take a day or even a week off, they will not mind at all. And their annual review process is really quite fair and reasonable.
In the office of the future, free meals and snacks will be brought to you through a portal into another dimension, where they have a variety of alien mammals that are grilled, boiled, or stewed for you to eat. If you are a vegetarian, they have flowers, vegetables and even edible trees from a fantasyland that became real in the year 2068 when a quantum opening erupted in the atmosphere above Earth and we were granted access to the supernatural and the mythical. One of the most popular meals will be unicorn sausage. More daring diners will try the grey alien octopus tentacle. It tastes like squid, only less chewy.
Here’s the bad news:
In the office of the future, males and females will not be allowed to speak to one another or look at one another because of some very bad things that happened between the genders. Even focusing your eyes for more than one second on a member of the opposite sex will get you fired, imprisoned, or placed in an insane asylum.
In the office of the future, you will be prohibited from revealing your ethnicity. All workers will wear white masks, gloves and long sleeves. Revealing the color of your skin to a co-worker will cause the company great sadness, and the office buildings themselves will weep in sorrow, as you are carted out on a gurney, taken to the central processing unit, and downloaded into a computer where you will merge with machine code and be lost to your family forever.
MORE BAD NEWS: The angels that supposedly came from heaven to save capitalism will be revealed by an underground agitation group to be robots, propelled by an artificial intelligence that has taken over the world.
The food that you have been eating which is supposedly alien mammals was actually created in a lab in vats, by these very same robots, who implant a certain drug in the meat that helps them control the humans.
BUT MORE GOOD NEWS — this agitation group will be eliminated, its leaders vaporized and everything will be back to normal by the year 2069.
