The C-word
People of this great nation! I stand before you today not just as your Prime Minister, but as a man who, much like everyone else in the country, has had a terrible few months.
There is an entire list of words related to what I am going to talk about now, which have been banned as of noon today — in order to mitigate the adverse effects on our health, caused by their vast overuse in the last six months. I am aware that the good people of this country no longer want to hear what shall henceforth be referred to as the C-word and the V-word.
When I first heard the news that there was a new V-word that had come from China, quite frankly I didn’t think much of it. I said to myself, it’s not like we haven’t experienced similar V-words from that neck of the woods before. I’m sure it will be fine.
In fact, I felt confident that the people of the United Kingdom would find a way to laugh or cough in the face of said V-word, which soon came to be known as the dreaded C-word!
I came back from my hols and we were all fired up and ready to go for “herd immunity” just like the Swedes! But suddenly the “scientist” shoved a wonky apocalyptic model under our noses, the media started panicking, Piers Morgan started to meltdown, and the bloody Europeans started to lockdown! That was the point at which our courageous plans started to fall arse over tit.
We could have stayed the course, but I’m afraid to say we lost our bottle, and when I finally heard the words: “Prime Minister, you have gone and caught the C-word”, I knew we were up S-word creek without a paddle.
The truth is, to my utter surprise after we locked everyone up in their homes and told them they’d be paid until October, no one wanted to come back. Well, some people did, but generally not the people who were drinking cocktails in their gardens and recording podcasts in their spare-rooms. Others took to snitching on their neighbors for minor infractions, and some of the police force got slightly over-enthusiastic and started sending drones out to shame dog walkers in the middle of nowhere! The whole thing was a shambles.
There were a few people who have dared to question the lockdown strategy, but they were absolutely put through the wringer on twitter by the people drinking cocktails in their gardens. Of course, this did not bode well for me or my government policy, so I kept my mouth shut and made sure people knew that my main concern in all this was making sure the National Health Service would be SAVED. Save the NHS I said! Support it! Stand in your gardens every week (if you have one) and clap for it (and make sure your neighbors see you do it). Again though, my message was somewhat undermined by the scores of toctoc videos featuring key workers dancing and generally arsing about during the height of the pandemic!
So here’s where we are now — despite the fact that people are in the streets protesting… ahem…about unrelated matters… we are in fact still in some sort of lockdown where everyone is supposed to keep a distance of 2 meters (although you might be able to hug granny now — I can't remember). I for one do not know how to square this circle.
You voted for me because I convinced all of you that I, Boris Johnson, had the balls required to “get Brexit done”. However, I am sorry to inform you that the V-word has revealed that I am just shy of the testicular requirements needed to do a policy U-turn — and unfortunately some might say that this suggests I might be a C-word.
Sorry everyone and I promise to do better next time.
Thank you for your time.
