The Last Mince Pie
The morning after the most important election in a generation – the infamous Brexit election – the newly elected British Prime Minister Boris Johnson extended an invitation to his adversary - the defeated Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, for a post-election cup of tea in number 10 Downing Street. The time is 3 o’clock in the afternoon and this is England, so it is of course cold and also raining.
Corbyn: You are man who among other things sought to improve Anglo-French relations by putting your foot up on a hand-carved, antique coffee table in the Élysée Palace, right under the nose of President Macron… I never in a million years thought a man like you would win the election!
Johnson: What? When did I put my foot on Macron’s table? And who told you I was there to improve relations!?
Corbyn: Oh of course I should have known you’d just deny it! For God’s sake, you even hid in a giant milk fridge to avoid a live TV interview! And they call me un-electable! It’s beyond comprehension!
Johnson: I can categorically say that I was not hiding in the fridge, I was merely inspecting it.
Corbyn: Well Boris, make no mistake, Labour will be back and we will kick you out next time around — so I’d advise you not to get too comfortable in this fancy office— the people, no, the masses, will rise up and resist you know!
Johnson: Jezza…I hate to be the one to tell you, but the good people of Islington North do not represent the masses…Oh you have got to try one of these Jezza!
Corbyn: No Boris! I am not here to eat mince pies! Tea is one thing, but having one of your mince pies would be a step too far!
Johnson: What? A step too far where Jeremy? Would eating my mince pie be a step too far to the Right?
Corbyn: Look, I am here to warn you not to sleep easy, this is serious — Labour won’t just roll over ….
Johnson: I won’t tell anyone you ate a ‘conservative’ mince pie, if that’s what you’re worried about…
Corbyn: You’re not taking me seriously are you…pretty soon the masses will…
Johnson: Jeremy, I don’t mean to be rude, but you do realize that I won the election old chap…don’t you? Labour is not at any risk of rolling over because I, with the help of your own voter base have already rolled over it. The famed Red Wall has been demolished…and it was all thanks to life-long Labour voters — people who would have preferred under any other circumstances to swallow a cold bucket of sick’, rather than vote Tory!
Corbyn: Well you may think you won but…
Johnson: Jeremy I won, I got a majority….which quite frankly I wasn’t expecting, but apparently the only person the British public can’t stand more than me…is you! With the exception of Joe Swinson of course.
Corbyn: I don’t accept that – I am, despite what the papers might say, a highly likable person – I have it on good authority for example that a lot of rappers like me…and some social media influencers…
Johnson: But they probably voted for me!
Corbyn: ….
Johnson: Jeremy, this has been nice, but you’ll have to excuse me, I have another engagement now..
Corbyn: Of course! The top 1% must be eager to meet their new puppet, I must let you get on Sire!
Johnson: Do you really not want a mince pie?
Corbyn: Boris, even if it was the last mince pie on earth, I would not want it, nor would I eat it, for it is an elitist mince pie – filled with disdain for the masses!
Johnson: This Jeremy, is just a mince pie, it is a festive treat, not a symbol of political ideology- just take a pie!
Corbyn: Yes Boris it is a symbol of ideology and ideology is important! Having a position is important! You might not care, but the people do!
Johnson: Mmm mmmm sorry…let me just….swallow this mouthful…what was I going to say….oh yes, my position was very simple: respect the referendum and get Brexit done! End of story! What was your position again Jeremy?
Corbyn: ……… I am not going to dignify that question with an answer! How dare you ask what my position is, it’s obvious!
Johnson: Obvious to who?…no one knows what the hell it is even now…sorry, it had to be said!
Corbyn: Sod off Boris!
Johnson: Jezza just take the mince pie, it’s super yummy, but not so delicious that you’ll need to flagellate yourself in public for your indulgence, I promise!
Corbyn: I can’t just take one, I’ll have to take them all and distribute them among my team according to our ever evolving power and privilege hierarchy.
Johnson: That sounds very complex and a total waste of time!
Corbyn: You can’t possibly understand, because you don’t have a progressive bone in your body!
Johnson: That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me all afternoon Jeremy!
Corbyn: It was unintentional.
Words inspired by the photo
