Down in the Dingle
Published in

Down in the Dingle

The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

True stories from Hollywood

Photo by Ryan Pouncy on Unsplash

Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career.

He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind you. He confronted the head of the network, who apologized, and Jacobson accepted the apology.

But he was still furious.

He decided to get revenge by producing the most offensive TV movie ever, at which point he was pretty sure that he would be let out of his six year contract and be able to go to greener pastures where he didn’t have to be reminded of this scumbaggery every day when he entered the studio lot.

The TV movie was called Ms. Prez, about the first trans president. Jacobson was sure that it would be so offensive to practically everybody — on the left and right — that the very studio itself might be brought down.

He wanted to get a prominent trans, like Caitlyn Jenner or RuPaul, but of course when they read the script they said no. In the end, he ended up going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and getting one of those junkie trans prostitutes to play the role. Her name was Charmagne, and she was actually quite believable in the role of the first trans president.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The elevator pitch is this: The year is something like 2028 and the trans candidate won in an upset. Nobody expected Sandy, who identifies as a woman but still has that appendage that makes her biologically a man, to win, but as the result of a conservative third party challenger, the conservative vote was split and Sandy won with a third of the vote.

Sandy had really just been running to prove a point — that trans can do anything.

But now here she is, moving into the White House.

At the first press conference they ask Sandy how she wants to be addressed, as Madame or Mister President, and Sandy says, “Neither. I am not married. So I would prefer to be called Ms. Prez.”

But there is immediately a big crisis. The Armed Forces of the US no longer have a Commander in Chief, as the Defense Department currently prohibits transgender from serving in the armed forces.

“I order your forces to stand down,” says Sandy, as the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, and Boy Scouts surround the White House and are about to try to overthrow the president and install a military hawk as leader.

The leader of the Defense Department, Kenneth Karnahan, buzz cut, General Patton type, refuses to stand down. He seems to hate Sandy.

Sandy is supersmart, however, and just as the military leaders are about to escort her out of the White House, her Chief of Staff comes in waving the executive order which rescinds the trans military service ban. So Ms. Prez is indeed the Commander in Chief of the armed services. The armed forces retreat. Karnahan is super pissed. But he has to obey his commanding officer.

In her first meeting with a foreign power, Sandy is flirting with a head of state from a third world country (the King of Swaziland, Mandoule Mbappe, who doesn’t seem to understand that Ms. Prez is a trans.) Mbappe is getting excited, and he puts his hand on her crotch — super surprise — he feels a bulge. Mbappe is very angry.

He is about to become physically abusive, when the Defense Secretary Karnahan, who earlier was leading the rebellion against her, appears out of nowhere and saves Sandy from the abuser, knocking him out with the butt handle of his service revolver.

“Kenneth, I’m surprised,” says Ms. Prez. “I thought you hated me.”

“I might not like you,” he says, “But I’ve sworn an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States. And I find the office of the presidency very attractive.”

They share a kiss.

But Karnahan has a trick up his sleeve. We learn about it on a secret phone call with conservative commentator Sean Dangity. Dangity has informed Karnahan that Ms. Prez has a skeleton in her closet. Apparently there is a porno tape she made under a porn name a few years back, as a shemale porn star. If this comes out, it would ruin her. But the Democrats have buried the porno tape if it exists. Nobody knows what Ms. Prez’s porn name was, if she did have one. Karnahan tells Sean that he has a plan on how to find it.

After they make love in the White House, Karnahan engages Ms. Prez in conversation. He asks her about whether she is going to follow presidential tradition and get a dog in the White House. She says no, she doesn’t like dogs.

“Didn’t you have a pet as a child,” asks the sneaky Karnahan. “What was your first pet’s name?”

“Well, we did have a cat named Bitsy,” the unsuspecting Ms. Prez says.

“Oh, that sounds sweet,” says Karnahan. “What was the name of the street you lived on?”

“Pleasant Street,” she says, pensively, thinking back on her childhood, perhaps. Or was she thinking about something else?

“Bingo!” says Karnahan, on the phone to Dangity after. “I found out her porn name. Look up Bitsy Pleasant.”

“Got it, Bitsy Pleasant!”

Sure enough, Dangity finds it on Youporn, an amateur shemale piece starring Bitsy Pleasant. It’s Ms. Prez! But surprisingly, Dangity finds himself getting extremely turned on at the sight of a shemale.

Karnahan, armed with this new information, can now go through with his plan, which is to nuke California and end what he calls “California values” forever.

He engages the nukes. Now he just needs Ms. Prez to enter the secret code, and California will be eliminated.

“Do it, Bitsy Pleasant,” he commands. “Or I’ll reveal your secret porno to the world.”

Ms. Prez is about to capitulate to his ruthless demands when her Chief of Staff rushes in and reveals: “Your son is in California right now Ms. Prez.”

Son?

Nobody knew she had a son!

“I don’t have a son,” she says.

“I mean your daughter,” says the Chief of Staff.

“I don’t have a daughter either,” says Ms. Prez. “My child is non-binary.”

“Right. But whatever they are, they are in San Francisco right now. If you push that button they will be annihilated.”

Oh no! Ms. Prez has a real Sophie’s Choice now. She can either sacrifice her child, or her political career. She is absolutely distraught.

At the last second as she is about to press the nuclear button, who runs in? Sean Dangity.

“Don’t do it,” he says. “I’ve bought the Bitsy Pleasant porno from Youporn, and scrubbed it from the internet. Nobody will ever know. Karnahan has no proof that you are a porn star.”

“Well, I’m not a porn star,” Ms. Prez says shyly. “It was a small role in the film, if you watched it.”

“Oh, I watched it,” says Dangity, his eyes blazing with desire. “I watched it a thousand times! I’ve never been so excited in my entire life.”

“Drat!” says Karnahan.

“Take this man to the brig,” orders Ms. Prez, and Karnahan is taken away in handcuffs.

Sean Dangity and Ms. Prez retire to the Lincoln bedroom for some wild times.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

I know, that was a long elevator ride. In truth, what you’ve just read I synopsized from the actual script, which I have a copy of. It was written by Jacobson himself, with vengeance and passion.

Jacobson sent the script off to the head of the network. Sure enough he got an angry call the next day.

“What is this Mark?” complained the network head. “We can’t make this piece of shit!”

“Why not? Are you transphobic? If you don’t make it, I’ll call the Hollywood Reporter and let them know you greenlit every single thing I wrote until I presented you with a trans empowerment story. How’s that gonna go over?”

“How is this trans empowerment?” countered the network boss. “What are you implying, that trans people are porn stars and sluts?”

“Oh I see,” re-countered Jacobson. “Straight people can have sordid pasts and affairs, like on every show you make, but trans people have to be pure as the driven snow?”

He had him there. The head of the network had no choice. He approved the script and production began on the movie.

Jacobson finished editing the movie. They sent a copy to their focus group to screen it. He got the call later that night, from the head of the network.

“It’s a hit,” said the network chief. “The audience was screaming. I want a series. I’m ordering 22 episodes. I’ll give you a five million bonus. We’ve got the next Empire. Sorry I doubted you, Mark. And again, sorry about…that thing with your daughter.”

Mark Jacobson was inconsolable. That night he went to the editing suite and destroyed the negative and all the copies of the film. He even tracked down the DVD they used for the focus group. He drove to Northern California, entered a Buddhist Monastery, took a vow of silence and hasn’t spoken for three years.

Without Jacobson, they never made the series. But the pilot’s become quite a myth around here at the network. I’ve seen a few scenes with bad sound and those code numbers still on the bottom of the frame, but it’s pretty hilarious.

You can check it out on the internet here. The most offensive TV movie ever made. Enjoy.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Simon Black

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.