The Right Kind of Crazy
How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up
Venture capitalists have given you the money, and now you are going to need an actual team to work together to make your first billion. Are you going to be the CEO?
As you may know, it has been shown that CEOs of the most successful companies score very high on the scale for psychopathy. If you’re not psychopathic enough, you might consider letting some other crazy person take the reigns. You can be the silent genius behind the scenes.
But if you are a psychopath and you want to run the show, your first job is to staff the company. Forget about Myers-Briggs. Forget even about Linkedin. Your best resource for hiring is the DSM-5, the encyclopedia of psychological disorders.
Part of this is just common sense. Of course you want your CFO to be OCD, and your head of maintenance to be on the spectrum. But there are more ways mental illness can help your corporate cause. This handy list breaks down your major corporate officers with their most appropriate mental disorder.
COO —Your second in command should be totally devoted to the company. Consider someone with Kluver-Bucy Syndrome — a compulsion to lick metal and other inanimate objects. Your COO will feel this way about your corporate signage above your offices and the pens with your logo on them. Whenever he sees the corporate name, in fact, he will either want to eat it or have sex with it. That’s loyalty.
Marketing Chief — Let’s face it, your product is going to suck at first, before you work the kinks out. Never mind, a Pathological Liar can sell anything. The last thing your marketing guy needs is a conscience.
Security Head — A guy with PTSD of course. You want someone who’s seen some action, for cripes sake. Yes, he might feel a bit on edge, and sure, he gives everyone the creeps, but when the shit goes down, you want him on your side.
Chief Technology Officer — Preferably someone loves to sit in front of a computer doing your programming day and night — in other words, someone with agoraphobia. You can increase his or her fear of the outside by occasionally talking about how dangerous it is in the neighborhood. I don’t mean gaslighting, just subtle manipulation. But then again, you’re a psychopath so that’s what you’re good at.
Public Relations — This is similar to marketing, but this VP is not just selling, he/she is promoting a false image of the company, a kind of fantasy. Believe it or not, there is a perfect disorder for this. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. Also, known as dysmetropsia, this syndrome will cause your publicist to believe that he/she — and by association your company — has grown way bigger than he/she really is, like Alice after she became a giant. And everyone else — the competition for instance — is about the size of ants.
Finally, and most importantly,
Chief of Legal Affairs. If push comes to shove, and you get sued, you’re going to want a real beast at the helm. Get an attorney who suffers from clinical lycanthropy. Your lawyer will believe he has the ability to turn into a wolf or a werewolf. People with clinical lycanthropy also begin to act like animals and are often found living or hiding in forests and other wooded areas. This could save you a lot on housing costs. Instead of paying the lawyer you might be able to simply present him with a small rodent or a rabbit every now and then — along with a few thousand worthless stock options of course.
(With apologies to people who suffer from any mental disorder. But I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder so I’m allowed to joke about it, see this article)
