Unicorn Startups that Are Definitely Not Overvalued, Whatever the Doomsaying Luddites Might Claim
If you think profitability should dictate valuation, you must not have your MBA.
Cloud Realtors. Location, location, location. It’s key in traditional real estate, and it’s key in the cloud. People in the know will pay whatever it takes to get their data stored in the best spot possible in their cloud provider’s data center — closest to the entrance, or maybe breakroom view — and Cloud Realtors will take their 6%.
EduBuzz. Disrupting education, literally. The value of repetition in long-term learning is well-established, but the use of SmartBuzzers to cut teachers off mid-sentence so that they’ll repeat what they just said is brand-new. Education is priceless, but disrupting it is worth $6 billion, easy.
Sitting in Brooklyn. Sure, chairs have been around forever. And sure, these particular chairs won’t be, given the low-grade materials and questionable craftsmanship. But these chairs are designed by a revolutionary AI that learned the art of chair design by analyzing thousands of low-end furniture supply catalogs. And as if that wasn’t enough, the chairs are hand-made by fashionable, attractive twentysomethings. In Brooklyn. Who wouldn’t pay a measly two grand per chair?
TimeShare Capital Brokers. Everyone knows time is limited, but the geniuses at TimeShare Capital were the first ones to realize this makes it the best possible investment. Buying a year of someone’s life is safer than buying gold, and forecasts estimate that an hour of the average person’s time will be worth more than $250k in the next five years. TimeShare Capital is the broker of the future, and anyone talking about ‘the minimum wage’ or ‘indentured servitude’ is just someone who hasn’t yet attended one of TimeShare Capital’s free weekend getaways/investor meetings in Miami.
Beeroids. I mean, how could alcoholic protein shakes not start flying off the shelf? Granted, the alcohol degrades the protein, but that just means customers aren’t in any immediate danger of getting so ripped that they stop needing the product.
Your Own Personal Jeeves. Don’t listen to the doubters claiming that other virtual assistants provide a multiple of the functionality for a fraction of the price, or that choosing between four colors for your smart speaker hardly constitutes personalization. YOPJ knows that people define their unique selves by who else does or owns exactly the same things as them, and that’s the kind of personalization that brings in the big bucks. While those bucks haven’t been brought in quite yet, thanks to YOPJ’s innovative total cost-based evolving price structure, they’re always just one sale away from crossing into the black!
Market Makers Marketing. AI trading systems control the world’s purse strings, and once MMM figures out which celebrity endorsements will cause those AI to spring for one time-use workout clothes or cloud server realty, that purse is going to get a whole lot lighter.
Snow Days Ahead. Some people say it doesn’t make sense to found a company focused on legally growing coca plants in Colorado, since legalizing cocaine isn’t exactly on the horizon and coca only grows in warmer climates, but those people just don’t understand what it takes to grow an empire. Having a passionate, energetic founder is the single most important factor in a unicorn’s success, and no one is more amped about their company than Nosebleed Nelson.
RaterRater. A company that has delivered the holy grail of venture capital: not another old algorithm for rating the potential of other startups, but an algorithm for rating algorithms that rate the potential of other startups. Why pick the next big thing when you can pick the thing that will pick the next ten big things? (Well, next seven, as it needs to have already picked three before RaterRater will bestow its coveted “Capable of Predicting Unicorns” rating.)
The Pink Start-Up. Little girls love unicorns. Little girls love pink. Billionaires who spend all of their time raising their companies love buying back their human children’s affection with extravagant gifts. Who cares that the company doesn’t even pretend to do anything? The Pink Start-Up will get acquired for at least $1.3 billion — I will stake my professional reputation and all of my investors’ money on it.
