Dear Manny the Mansplainer,
Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this?
Loving Mom in Plymouth, Mass
Dear Loving Mom,
Thanks for your question. I’ll tell ya, I’m pretty burnt up about this one, so please excuse me if I lose my cool. But, geesh, playing tackle football is a rite of passage in any red-blooded American boy’s life, so I don’t know what these guys are thinking.
You might as well ban apple pie and hotdogs and the American flag while you’re at it.
Sure, Loving Mom, I get that you’re worried about the kids. After all, if they were playing Tiddlywinks they might slice a nail, right? So let’s throw that Tiddlywinks set in the garbage, along with the American flag and everything else that men hold sacred.
Why? Because a few pro football players have some brain damage? You do know how much these guys get paid, right? Shoot, I’d take a bit of brain damage for 32 million dollars a year. Where do I sign?
Let me give you the good news and the bad news. Bad news first. Your kid ain’t never gonna become a pro football player. The good news, he’s not gonna get brain damage from playing Pop Warner league ball. But he might just learn what it means to be a man.
Little lady, do you want your sons to become homosexuals? If you don’t allow these young men to huddle together, slapping each other’s asses, grabbing each other around the waist and hurling themselves onto the ground, how are they going to learn what it means to be a heterosexual normal male?
And don’t even get me started on the locker room. Showering together, naked. Slapping each other with wet towels.
C’mon, Loving Mom. You have to admit, football is extremely sexy. I know you little ladies don’t understand all the rules, but you love to watch us men warring it out on the grid iron.
So leave the thinking to us. And make your boy a nice hot meal to chow down on after the game.
We love ya Mom!
Manny the Mansplainer