Winner of Dingle HQ2 Announced, Search for HQ3 Begins
I am happy to announce that the long search for a second Dingle Headquarters has been completed. Thank you for all the cities and towns that sent bribes and other gifts. It has been a truly inspiring experience to be on the receiving end of graft for a change.
We have awarded our second headquarters to a condo association in Kauai, who agreed to let us have the condo three weeks a year for fifty percent off the usual timeshare price. I think this is a good deal, and we were able to attend a luau for free, which was awesome — my family especially loved the flaming sword jugglers.
And I guess the citizens of Hawaii have agreed to give us a bunch of their tax money for some unknown reason. OK!
So that will be our second headquarters if anybody needs to reach us in the months of August, January and April, we might be there.
And now, I would like to announce the search for HQ3. It’s going to be a little different this time. Government officials, could you please deposit the bribes directly to the offshore account that I will email you after your application is thoroughly vetted?
Right now, we have headquarters in LA and Hawaii. I think we have enough warm places. I am thinking a ski resort would be awesome, preferably ski-in ski-out. I like the snow in Utah, but I also have had quite a lot of fun in Colorado. But that doesn’t mean you Eastern cities should hesitate to apply. My family would love a free trip to Vermont in the autumn — my kids have never seen the amazing East Coast leaves change.
Cities in the American South, thank you, but no thanks. This whole love for Trump thing is a deal breaker. And nothing personal, but don’t love the accent, sorry. It makes everyone talk slowly and you know what “slow” is a euphemism for. Oh, you prob’ly don’t know what a euphemism is, never mind…
Let’s talk about the booming Northwest. Sorry, I don’t buy it. I been there, got wet, came home. Wasn’t impressed. Save the postage, you’re not going to win, Washington, Oregon, or even B.C.
That actually reminds me — I was going to make this an international search. We could easily locate our HQ3 abroad. My daughter taught herself German. I’m open to receiving some Deutschmarks. Wait, it’s Euros now, isn’t it? OK, Europe, send me some money. And some free airfare and hotel reservations. Maybe a baguette and some cheese.
So let it begin. I will announce the winner when I feel I’ve sufficiently taken advantage of everybody’s goodwill.
