Your Questions Answered About the Darkwater Corporation Layoffs
Everything you need to know (except for how you’ll pay the bills).
> Yes, we did have to let most of our employees go, but by permanently filling their positions with computers, we’ve actually reduced the total number of employee terminations in the long term.
> I prefer to think of this as incentivizing employees to gain additional training in areas that aren’t so easily automated. Education is priceless, and anything that encourages people to seek more of it can only be considered a positive.
> I think this very situation is a perfect example of why my position can’t be automated. If a computer CEO chose to replace the staff with other computers, that would be nepotism, which we can all agree is wrong. Yet when I do it as a human being, it’s simply a fiscally responsible decision.
> Sure, it’s always sad to have to let employees go, but that’s a sacrifice I have to make for the good of the shareholders. It’s a heavy burden I bear on their behalf.
> Of course I’m the largest shareholder. If I didn’t have a big stake in the company, how would I be held accountable?
> No, I don’t think all corporations are heartless profit machines. The Supreme Court says corporations are people, which means that kind of derogatory stereotyping is just common racism. Trying to earn a living doesn’t make a person evil. Besides, after these layoffs, Darkwater is really more of a small business, which I think we can all agree are the lifeblood of America.
> It’s not Darkwater’s place to worry about the effects of mass unemployment on the economy. Companies must judge employment decisions based on their individual interests in order to remain competitive.
> No, I’m not familiar with the prisoner’s dilemma. Why would I be? I’ve never been a prisoner. Those charges were dropped.
> Our decision not to automate HR has nothing to do with Senator Biggins’ son working there. HR is just particularly difficult to automate. And his salary is appropriate for an employee valuable enough to be among the less than 1% avoiding layoffs.
> Of course we still have humans for Human Resources to support. There are over 40 human employees in HR alone.
> No, there’s nothing wrong with having the IT staff program their own replacements. In fact, it’s the closest most of them will ever come to having children who follow in their footsteps.
> For the last time, there’s no proof the IT staff’s sterility was caused by the Always On Call Cellular Implants. It just so happens that people inclined to work for our IT department also tend to be sterile. Honestly, if you still can’t figure out the difference between correlation and causation, you’ll be losing your jobs to computers pretty soon, too.
