(Do it Ourselves) Pizza Excavator
CEO of a leading brand of excavators in India once went to a Pizzeria and was amazed to find that he could choose the type of pizza crust and the toppings and had to pay only for what he chose to eat!
He returned to his boardroom and called the sales team from across the country and announced that they are introducing a new sales strategy “Do it Ourselves” Excavator. Perplexed the sales team started asking questions. This is how the whole conversation happened:
CEO: From now on we shall offer “Do it Ourselves” excavator combo
Chennai Thambi: Saar, what this be?
CEO: Have you ever had a Pizza? You can choose the type of crust you want, select the toppings you like and you pay for what you eat. We shall now offer a “fully loaded” Pizza and would remove the toppings as per the customers’ willing to pay for it.
Punjab Lion: So are we entering the Pizza business?
CEO: No no no…. We shall now offer our excavator as “reverse pizza” combo. In a Pizza you select toppings and pay as per what you select. Here we shall remove the “toppings” as per the price a customer is willing to pay
Mumbai Munda: What an idea, sirji !!
CEO: If a customer does not care about his operator, we remove the airconditioner and reduce the price by Rs. 1 lakh
Bengali Babu: Sire, but if we remove aircon, don’t you think dusty condition of the jobsite will affect the machine electronics
CEO: Dada, that is the idea! If electronics fail, customer has to pay to buy new parts, that means more parts business, more money for us
Delhi Dude: Heads we win, tails he looses!! Kya baat hai, janaaab
CEO: If the customer wants further discount, remove the extra spool we provide for the breaker
Begalooru Boy: How will the customer use a breaker if we remove the spool?
CEO: He can always buy the spool from us paying extra later. As customer is concerned only about initial purcahse price, we can continue to rob him again and again and again after he has bought our machine
Hyderabadi Hunk: But sir, how do we tackle the problem of high fuel consumption of our machine? Customers are very upset
CEO: No problem. We have solved the problem. We have reduced the engine power and it will now drink lesser fuel than earlier. Less Power, More Money!!
Chennai Thambi: But Saar, this will also make machine slow
CEO: That is even better. Customer can now work longer and get paid more! “win-win situation” Aaj kare so kal kar, kal kare so parso, jaldi kis baat ki jab karna hai barso! Target the rental companies. They get paid in hours and not on volume.
Bengali Babu: But sir, don’t you think this will effect the speed of execution of project in our country. After all we are all responsible for country’s speedy development
CEO: Lets leave that to the competition. Let tham make faster machine, better machine to develop the nation
Bengalooru Boy: But don’t you think we will loose market share if we provide machine that does less!
Mumbai Munda: Hum kis khet ki mooli hain? I have posed as govt. official, stopped the trailers and made copies of competition machine depot transfer invoices. I also took hafta from the driver to look genuine. We will now blank out the consignor / consignee and show it to customers that competition is cheating them.
Bengali Babu: Is it not wrong to do this? Forging the papers, telling lies!
CEO: Silence!! There is nothing wrong in love and war, we are at a war here. All of you collect the failure reports of all competition machines, fill up your laptops will this and whenever a customer is showing interest for a competition product, show him the failure reports. Are you not aware of the three C’s of modern marketing: Confuse, Corrupt, Con. First you confuse the customer by showing him competition failures, then you corrupt him and lastly, Con him. Commit something and deliver something else! We shall also add “EP” to our excavator model. EP means “Excavator Pizza”
Mumbai Munda: We have an abolute winning formula here. Negativity Rules!! When customer asks what is EP, we will tell him it means “Extra Power” !!
A puny little man, Indiana Jones, who was silently sitting right at the back, raises his hand, gets up slowly and asks: Sir don’t we have anything good to talk about our machine!!
CEO: Son, it seems you have not Sold your Soul yet, you do not have any place in our company, please look for another job!!
Disclaimer: This article is a satire on Indian Construction Equipment Industry and not meant to target any particular entity.
