Internalized Sexism: One Unspoken Barrier to Women Empowerment
There is not doubt whatsoever that women empowerment is on the move. We are working tirelessly daily and nightly to fight for equality through equity. As women, our voices are getting louder and we are starting to show up differently and break down more barriers in areas of technology, the medical field, etc. At times like this my feminine identity is feeling more empowered. But, there is one issue that we need to talk about in this movement, that is also hurting our progress, the internalized sexism that women engage in towards one another. We both consciously and unconsciously discriminate against our own gender identity as well as our intersectional differences. One thing I’ve noticed working in DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) is how prevalent this is, and we need to talk about it and do something about it ASAP. Throughout this piece I am going to highlight 3 areas where this is a frequent occurrence.
- The attempt to build shared experiences and camaraderie by invalidating one another’s identities.
Last year I engaged in a dealmakers program geared to empower women and as a participant I recall a moment where a very prominent and extremely successful Black woman in Seattle was speaking in a breakout session. She talked about as a Black woman how in meetings she had been asked to get the coffee for men in the room. Immediately an older white women, who was an investor, stated “no, you mean as a woman, not because you were Black.” The room went silent and I had to speak up. I said “I think it’s important that we talk about our identities from our own personal experiences without discrediting one another’s experiences and I’d like to hear from her experience as a Black woman and I am sure other women of Color in the room would like to hear the same. The woman continued with her very impactful story. I couldn’t help but think about that fact that the attempt of the older white woman in the room was to possibly build camaraderie through shared experiences. The challenge lied in her inability to do that without invalidating the racial identity of the Black woman. As I write this example, let me be very clear, all women have oppressions and privileges, some are the same and many are not, due to our identities. We get that we all want to empower one another but we better recognize that differences exists and with different identities such as race, age, sexual orientation, citizenship status, physical appearance etc. come different challenges.
A 2nd Word!
Learn to show up differently for different battles we are fighting. Equality does not happen without equity and if you choose to be an ally understand that you better check your privilege in the process. The sharing of our different experiences based on intersected gender identities is not meant to discredit anyone, receive the message as a goal to share and spread knowledge to work towards solutions, even in your discomfort.
2. The mindset of survival, there can only be one queen.
Recently, I watched on TMZ the feud between Nicki Minaj and Cardi B confrontation at Fashion Week. I was disheartened. I couldn’t help but think for so long how there is this belief that in marginalized and oppressed populations our success is limited and how we have been made to believe that there is not enough room for all of us at the top, especially for women. We believe that must fight to survive and knock each other down and build success by standing on the backs of one another instead of lifting one another up. This is one of the greatest tools of the oppressor, controlling the mind of the oppressed.
I attended the ASCEND Conference at Microsoft this year and listened to a panel of professionals speak about equity. One man, the head of equity and inclusion at a well known company spoke about his conversation with one of his teammates, a younger Black woman. He summarized their conversation by stating that he admired how strong and outspoken this young woman was and how he’d love to put her in a room with his other strong and outspoken friend and watch them “go at it.” The young woman then corrected him by reminding him how men have a history of putting smart and powerful women against one another for personal pleasure and how this negatively impacts the empowerment of women. He humbly accepted her feedback and moved forward through reflection and introspection.
A Word!
We have to stop believing there is not enough opportunity to go around for us as women, and start creating more for one another. We have to be willing to stand up and discuss openly with our males allies about the challenges we have in supporting other women who have different identities. If we are not willing to admit it, build awareness, and then take action, this will continue to be a challenge.
3. Power and Succession are Laced in Oppression
Recently I attended and co-hosted a Women in Tech event and one of the speakers from Women in Cloud said something that made me nod my head vigorously in agreement. Women in the workplace are not preparing other women for success at impactful rates, especially in corporate America. Recently, the CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi stepped down, her successor is a man. I’m not taking away anything from his qualifications for the job, but for a female CEO that has been in a role for 12 years, how is it that part of the succession planning did not include another woman? The number of female CEOs has decreased over the last couple of years and this raises an eyebrow regarding how succession planning is happening in these spaces.
I have been working with companies in DEI for quite some time now and many of them have hiring and recruiting challenges for diverse populations, especially women. The one commonality they have, the leaders in HR and recruiting are mostly other women! I will state that these women have faced a number of challenges to promote diversity, equity, and inclusion in their jobs. I’ve also noticed that many of them take on the attitude of “hiring the best candidate” for the position. I have even witnessed them perpetuate the stereotypes associated with women in professional spaces. They speak about our so called emotional outbreaks, our assertiveness, our bitchiness, and state that it’s harder to work with women. This is appalling and I stay disappointed by such attitudes and these need to change.
A Final Word!
If we want to do better, we have got to work to understand our intersectional oppressions. Our battles are not the same, and in some cases neither are our pain and scars that we have from them. This statement is not to say that you are not hurting, I just want you to understand that your pain shouldn’t add to mine or anyone else’s. . I’ve spoken with hundreds of women who have talked about their career trajectories being supported by men instead of women. I’ve even heard horror stories regarding how their male allies in the workplace have had to support them through feuds with other women in the workplace. I think it is worth the time to stop and take an introspective moment to talk about how we show up for one another as women. We have a number of conversations where we have to ask our male allies to show up. We should also be evaluating how we show up for one another in different spaces. It is so easy for us to point the finger, and we should. All I’m asking is that we take a moment, to pay attention to the other fingers pointing back at us in the process.
Male allies, non gender binary allies, etc, I am not writing this to let you off the hook or overshadow that you have work to do to support women. You are not off the hook. Understand, that this moment is about women showing up for other women, but I will continue to call out how you can be better allies for us as well. You have work to do, get on it!
Check out my video with tools on allyship to help you figure out where to start.
