A Mosaic of Feelings.
I’m sorry for the long absence. I promise it wasn’t intentional. I mean, some part of it was, because I was angry and then later I got angrier.
So basically, I spent three days in a hospital because the doctor scared my mother into thinking that my psychiatric medication was actually causing me grave harm (spoiler alert: it was not). Now see the thing is, my mother’s thinking mechanism is slightly archaic — she assumes a physician is good enough to help with depression when I’m sure, they aren’t equipped to handle someone crying in their cabins.
And I wasn’t even wrong. But somehow, I thought, ‘Okay, I can handle this.’ Because I told him specifically that we will not be taking me off of any medication that I think is helpful for me without my consent.
BOY DID I MISCALCULATE THAT ONE!!!!
In the middle of his supposed ‘care’ for me, I accidentally outed myself saying I like girls. Which….was such a bad idea from start to finish, to tell someone who is NOT a therapist or a psychiatrist or someone you’re comfortable with. But a large part of my trauma hinged on me being outed in school, so I mentioned it.
Bad idea. Bad idea. SUCH A BAD IDEA.
The doctor started off with an “oh that’s possible? for a girl to like another girl romantically?” and initially, I hadn’t thought much of it. But a day before my discharge was scheduled to take place, I was hit with something much, much more terrible than my nightmares.
I will be quoting him, for the most part, they sound the same, but who is checking anyway?
Doc: So, how are you? How are you feeling?
Me: (lying through my teeth) I’m fine. :D SO GOOD. :D
Doc: That’s great, wonderful (here he tells me I must not nap beyond 2 pm, as it will affect my sleep), there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
Me: (already panicking, half angry he had forcefully taken me off my sleep medication) Oh, sure. What’s up?
Doc: That thing you said about liking girls….
Me: Oh no (intensifies)
Doc: I don’t understand that.
Me: ? What is not understood?
(I’m omitting some bits and getting straight to his rant)
Doc: The reason why people bullied you in school is because you like girls. And they’re not wrong in that. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion — but what you’re doing is wrong. That is your illness. You are the reason for the chaos in your life. You don’t even see it as something wrong! Which makes it so much worse! There is a reason God has made a man and a woman. I’m not disagreeing with you, don’t get me wrong, but this is such a mistake. Good people are those who see through their mistakes and grow out of it. But the problem is that you don’t even see it as a mistake. I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you if you simply said you liked men.
Do you see that? He brought me down to my most vulnerable state and decided to spew this bullshit onto me. While I was crying.
But surprisingly, my parents were supportive and we decided he is an absolute menace that nobody should be seeing. To first blame me for my trauma and then to be homophobic… pick a fucking struggle, you old quack.
More surprisingly, I still maintained my view and only said yes to get out of his office as soon as I could.
See, in my 22 years, the last time I saw someone try to tell me who I am, was 2016. And it had worked then. But now, with 4 years of therapy and so many healthy coping mechanisms under my belt, it felt so ridiculous and funny to see someone do the same thing again.
Talk about a glow up, am I right?
When I was younger, I couldn’t tell valid critique of my behaviour apart from someone being straight up bullies. The line was blurred and I often thought, “If they feel like that, I must have done something.” But now, it’s like, “If they feel like that, I must have done something,” but I’m only laughing at their face about it.
Early into 12th grade I quickly realized that people will always have something to say about you. Good or bad is out of your control. But I learnt a year later that I can control my actions, but not how someone feels about it. In the sense that, I will not go out of my way to be a terrible person. But, if living my life on my terms makes you SO ANGRY, that you have to resort to calling it a mistake? It’s already a losing battle for you.
It felt so validating to feel so self-assured. I know who I am. I know what I like. I know who I like, and that’s entirely up to me. Not somebody else.
While the initial tears made me feel terrible (and rightfully so), the post-breakdown clarity, for the first time, was crystal clear. When you are so sure of yourself, you know yourself, even the best of the writers could not write you differently.
You can love who you love. You are free to do that. If you’re homophobic in 2021? That’s on you, homie. And I will commit homiecide because you’re a terrible fucking person.
People are people, you just let them be.
No matter what though, you could never shake my foundation. You can strip me bare, but I will always rise back up. Always. And that’s a fucking threat.
Always remember: if someone misinterprets you on purpose, it is not your fault but theirs.
:)
Have a great weekend!
With lots of anger and a low blood pressure,
Amulya.
