Forgiveness is imperative for growth.
In the middle of my very intricate skincare routine, I was mulling over the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday. It was about how I feel about other people’s opinions of me and how I must allow myself some grace.
Now on the outset this whole idea sounds stupid, like. Who cares about what other people think, right? Pffftttt. (I do. I care. I care so much it HURTS). Navigating opinions is very tricky, not just because we are complex humans and everyone only sees a certain part of what we want to show so you can’t really FULLY form an opinion of someone, but also because it’s just unfair.
Fortunately, this is not a rant about forgiving yourself if you make offensive statements or a bigot. No, this is not for them and the other Instagram influencers who for some reason still have a platform.
This is entirely for the people who take accountability for their actions. Because let’s face it — apologies these days come to us because they got caught, not because they mean it. So many offensive stuff exists so that you don’t engage with it. Forgiveness, apologies, etc., at their core is more on how are you going to take accountability for the mistake and to make sure you don’t do it again. It’s not about how well you write the apology.
I’m no saint. I’ve said and done things I’ve regretted, but this is where I give myself grace because I was young and I didn’t know better. Now that I know how to be in control of my feelings and have some basic communication of said feelings, I also hold myself accountable for any slip ups and give myself space to grow. Which is the exact thing a lot of us struggle with. Now that we’ve thrown the bigots out of the window, let’s establish a few things:
- people will have opinions about you.
- they may not be nice.
- but it’s not your job to change their mind.
- you know yourself more than anybody else in the world (aside from maybe your therapist).
If you sat and nitpicked at every single opinion of you that exists to your knowledge, you wouldn’t allow yourself to grow. You know you’re a decent person, you know that there are things you wouldn’t say, you wouldn’t engage in, but somewhere, some nutjob decided you are the opposite of all the things you stand for, and everything comes crumbling down.
Part of the problem comes in trying to defend ourselves. Obviously, I’m not saying it’s bad but I’m saying or rather asking — is it really worth changing someone’s mind for? See, when people learn about you, talk to you, listen to the chatter of the town, we often first put up a wall of defensiveness that says, “I am not what XYZ might have told you about me.” This is not…. necessary. Partly because XYZ is a fool to still think you haven’t grown as a person and partly because XYZ may never have even said these things.
When we put opinions of others on the table in front of us, a large part of it is just projection. From both sides. Their projections of what they think of you and your projection of what you think of them.
What I’m trying to say is basically: forgive yourself. it’s okay. take a break. take a deep breath and exhale that stress slightly. Things happen, we slip up, things don’t workout the way they do and it doesn’t have to be okay, but it’s not in your control.
What you can control is how you are now. Am I being a decent person? Am I making sure that the media I consume is not bigoted? And if it is, what are the steps I’m taking to not engage with that media? so and so forth.
Look, ultimately it’s how you think of yourself that matters. It’s the feedback that the others give you so that you can do better, be better is what matters. Not what some useless bugger from 12th grade thinks of you.
You know yourself more than them. You know what you’re capable of. Give yourself that grace that sometimes, no matter how nice I am, I could very well be a villain in someone else’s story. But is that your problem? It is not.
So, breathe in. Breathe out. Know that you’re doing better than everyday, learning to be a better person than yesterday or from years ago, learning and unlearning whatever you can.
Forgiveness is not easy. But it doesn’t mean you should withhold it from yourself or from someone else. Forgiveness does not mean unconditional support all the times. Forgiveness means ‘I have made a mistake. I’m sorry. I will take time off to reflect and learn and do better.’ It’s about accountability. It’s about knowing better NOW because you didn’t know better then. So don’t project present or past shortcomings onto your future self. You will learn so many things, you will unlearn so many things. It is important to give yourself that space for growing. Otherwise, you’ll remain stuck in the mud, mulling over things that actually don’t matter. Things change — things will never be what they were, and you should learn to be okay with that.
Tonight’s poem is
WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW BEFORE
was how horses simply give birth to other horses. Not a baby by any means, not a creature of liminal spaces, but already a four-legged beast hellbent on walking, scrambling after the mother. A horse gives way to another horse and then suddenly there are two horses, just like that. That’s how I loved you. You, off the long train from Red Bank carrying a coffee as big as your arm, a bag with two computers swinging in it unwieldy at your side. I remember we broke into laughter when we saw each other. What was between us wasn’t a fragile thing to be coddled, cooed over. It came out fully formed, ready to run.
-by Ada Limón.
Tonight’s painting is by Anke Roder, titled “Starry Night”
Good night everyone! I hope you sleep well! I love you!! :)
Amulya.
