I can’t seem to title this? I hope this doesn’t act up during my nightly mails. 🙄

Why, hello there (General Kenobi). Today’s been quite hectic even without anything happening really. I was finally able to catch up on some sleep and I feel slightly energized. I did one workout in the morning and i’m starting to see why people who are so into fitness talk about morning workouts.

Anyway. I’m not very good with routines and i can’t seem to function without one either, and discovering that this is an ADHD trait doesn’t make it better for me. 😅

Since I didn’t actually know what to talk about today, I spent a while thinking maybe I can talk about my ADHD. It’s been really confusing since my diagnosis because i just didn’t know what to talk about. What is there to say? There’s so much of information available. But here’s the thing: the more i disclose to people that I have ADHD, the more i realise that this is probably the most stigmatized aspect of mental health. I’m instantly met with, “oh we’re ALL a little bit ADHD” when I mention that I have it. It drives me up the wall because people assume ADHD is just talking too much, talking too less, very disorganized or very organized etc etc., and they haven’t once stopped to notice that ADHD affects each person very, very differently.

My ADHD presents itself through dysfunction or the need to work until the last minute. I spent a good 16–17 years of my life living like that before I decided that I should plan ahead and work. But planning threw me into a state of panic and my previous therapist very vehemently dismissed my possibility of ADHD and thus, I had to figure out how to do my work without driving myself crazy.

That said, my ADHD presents itself very differently. I’m not always someone who works until the last minute, but I’m also someone who cannot fathom planning so much in advance. My current therapist and psychiatrist are the angels I needed in my life to help me find the balance I required so that I don’t live in dysfunction all the time.

It’s very….. difficult. I’ll admit it. Most days I wonder how my life would be if I just didn’t have ADHD. Would it be better? Would I not be having the attention span of a spoon? Would I be more organized?

The answer is yes and no. Thankfully, the internet has a great community of people who are also diagnosed with ADHD, where they share their experiences and try to dismiss any nonsense stereotype that comes with ADHD. It’s really hard to reach those spaces though, because everyone is worried that someone bad might pop into these spaces, which is why you usually have to be upfront about your experience, which might not seem ideal for a lot of people.

For me, though, I enjoy keeping to myself about it unless I really need to talk about it if there’s something on my mind. ADHD brains aren’t any special, you know? We just can’t seem to find the right thing to talk about and get stuck in the mud for hours wondering what to say or have something to say for like 4 hours straight.

What I can tell you though, is that I’m really proud of myself. The diagnosis did not come as a shock to me, actually. In fact, I had been harboring this idea since I was a kid. But the problem is that girls often don’t get diagnosed with ADHD simply because some old, white man decided that it’s a boys only thing. Which is why most of us get diagnosed in our early 20’s or later.

There’s nothing for me to add as new information. But just as a little reminder that we all work differently and things like ADHD also will present themselves differently. Everyday comes with the possibility of something new to discover, which is why it’s difficult to talk about it in depth, unlike my trauma or even my depression.

Anyway, I hope this prompts you into doing a little bit of research at least into the world of ADHD and how we function. My friends know (obviously) and I tell them when I can about things that irk me or things that can be done differently, at least for my sake. In that sense, if you happen to be a neurotypical, you could/should work towards making spaces more neurodivergent friendly. It’s just these little things that will make us feel less alienated and more included. Less feeling like we’re different, when really we just work differently.

I hope this made sense. Anywho, tonight’s newsletter will be an in-depth review about Circe by Madeline Miller! Hope you’re excited!

A nice poem for this afternoon, brought to you by, Mahogany L. Browne:

There is no room on this planet for anything less than a miracle

We gather here today to revel in the rebellion of a silent tongue

Every day, we lean forward into the light of our brightest designs

& cherish the sun.

from, “This Is the Honey”.

Artwork titled “The Mediterranean” by Nikolai Nikanorovich Dubovskoy:

With love,

Amulya.