My Definitive Guide to Happiness (NOT clickbait).

Today’s painting of the night is by Anne Magill.

Well, there is no guide to happiness, contrary to what you may be seeing online.

The current digital atmosphere is basically just toxic positivity. Everyone expects you to be okay, to be happy, to always look at the bright side, etc., etc. But not once have we stepped back from all this and decided, “hey, you know what? it’s okay to not be okay.”

MY guide to happiness is actually rooted in the idea I won’t be happy all the time. I can’t keep walking around with a smile on my face when I don’t feel like it — it’s a lot of pressure. Most days suck, some days suck less, some days are happy and that’s just how it is. It’s like, the toxic positivists have decided that happiness is some kind of tangible goal — that involves buying candles; basically retail therapy is what I’m saying. But that’s not how it works. It’s not that we can’t be happy all the time, but given the current state of global affairs, I wouldn’t be walking around with a smile on my face while everything goes to shit, you get me?

This idea that you have to always think positive is absurd. Your mood doesn’t dramatically change when you have a positive thought. What does work though, is reframing them. Reframing a thought or feeling affirms that you’re feeling a certain way, this is happening, and that it is completely okay. Yes, it is okay.

It’s the affirmation that makes the difference. It puts you in a state of not-sad for a while, because you’ll allow yourself to think a little logically about this feeling — does it require immediate attention? Is it important? If it is, what are the reasons? Why? When? What? — mind mapping all of this helps. When you affirm that you’re feeling a certain way, you’re giving it the attention it deserves. You’re allowing yourself to feel.

Feeling, by the way, is my second pointer in this guide. :P Affirming your feelings is like this — “Oh, okay. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like doing anything about it, so I will go lie down on my bed,” simply put. This at least tells your brain that okay, we’re feeling this and I do not have to act on it immediately. It’s my feelings. I get to ruminate in it until I turn like a prune. You know you feel like this and you will logically solve this problem with the best of your abilities when you feel like you can. Allowing yourself to feel and giving yourself the space to work on wields better results than some doofus’ guide to happiness that is basically — THINK HAPPY THOUGHT. LIFE IS SHORT. THE END.

Very important note: Ability to deal with bad days is something you learn as you grow. From mistakes, from success, from failure, from people around you and most importantly, therapy. You may not have the ability to deal with something now and that is okay. You acquire all these skills as you grow. So don’t chide yourself for not doing what you could then. You did what you knew. You know better now. And if you work towards becoming a nicer and kinder person, not just to the people around you, but especially towards yourself, that’s what matters.

What is fundamentally more important than these two is that we get support. Support doesn’t mean I’ll let you slide when you make a mistake. It means I want you to be a better person than yesterday, not let you define yourself by said mistake, hold you accountable and make sure you don’t apologise because you were caught — but because you mean it.

I don’t expect everyone to be perfect all the time. But I’m not saying I need everyone to make mistakes. What I’m saying is — if you’re working towards being less defensive and more open to feedback from peers and other people and try to implement what you know to make safer spaces for people, you’re already on your path to happiness. Don’t make happiness tangible. Life is arbitrary. Confidence may be the key to everything, but your confidence won’t mean shit if you’re confidently wrong.

You giving yourself the space to grow, allowing others also to grow and learn is what matters the most. Do better than yesterday, learn more than what you did previously. Don’t make your journey to serenity so tiring or something you should work for — it’s not currency. Make it more of a process than anything. Start with having some faith in yourself; that you will do better and be better. :)

Today’s poem is The Orange by Wendy Cope:

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange —
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave —
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.

I love you. and I’m very glad you exist. Please pat yourself on the back for me, okay? You did well. :)

With love,

Amulya.