Fighting the waves

Why didn’t I play by the rules?

It’s not very often there are changes in my life. And it’s not surprising, I avoid them like the plague. I now find myself on the cusp of change, and it could go one way or the other, it could go well, or badly.

How this particular set of circumstances pans out, depends largely on logistics, favourable conditions and the love and support of family and friends. And I’m lucky, in that I have at least two of those things.

It isn’t easy to be vulnerable, to find yourself not in control of a situation, but I’m trying to see it as a new chapter, a new beginning. I’ve always been a glass half empty kind of person, but now I must try and see it half full. To see the uncertain future as an unexplored landscape rather than a black hole of potential misery.

In all honesty, I don’t cope with change very well, unless I’m in complete control, and with the current situation I’m in right now, I’m definitely not in control.

I have a tendency to become introspective, reexamining particular areas of my life from the past where I could have done better, how I could have avoided my current situation, how if I’d just been smarter and prettier I could have been more successful, married the right person, smiled at the right people, I could be in a different place right now.

Because in this world we live in, the beautiful and the young are prized more highly than anything else, and if you play your cards right while you’re young, you’ll be set for life.

Rage against the machine and you’ll die alone, fight against the status quo and you’ll be punished somewhere down the line. If you’re one of those pegs that can’t be fitted into a round hole, you’ll suffer for it one day. An introverted oddball is entertaining one day and old news the next.

It’s a tall order being asked to love someone for over 30 years and live in a house until you die. That’s what they do here. I should have done it too, but thinking you’re clever will get you nowhere, you must conform or lose.

Play the game by the rules and you’ll be rewarded for your efforts, cheat and you’ll find yourself struggling against the tide later on…