Shapes and Clothes
Learning to like clothes again has been an ongoing process. I spent about six months just focusing on what feels good on me, and getting comfortable with the clothes in my closet again. I still have to stick to my rules, because I still find myself drawn to things that I won’t be happy in because they are visually appealing.
It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but neat things that don’t feel good belong on Pinterest, not my body. That’s why I have so many fashion boards on my account.
In the middle of this whole process, I had a double mastectomy for both health and gender reasons. It was a real turning point in my relationship with my body, because I had previously thought that I wasn’t really interested in surgery because it was too much hassle. I often didn’t even bother to bind, because it didn’t help me pass and it didn’t really make me feel better.
Once the drains came out and the scars started to heal, though, I realized something that amazed me. I felt better about myself. I could see myself. Suddenly I could look at myself from the sternum up in the bathroom mirror and see how my t-shirts sat on me.
I don’t recount this as an advertisement for surgery for everyone, but I think I can generalize: Don’t assume nothing will make you feel better about yourself without trying. Experiment. Try different things to see how you feel about them. For some people, binding or wearing a wig, cutting your hair or getting a tattoo or changing another physical characteristic might make a difference. For others, it might be putting on that suit or dress, something that really forces the eye to see yourself in another gender’s light. Experiment, experiment, experiment.
If you’re worried about it, start simply, where others can’t see you. Go to the Goodwill across town that you never stop in, and pick out some skirts or some button-down shirts or whatever it is that you imagine yourself wearing. If you’re feeling brave, or if there’s nothing stopping you, go ahead into the changing room. If not, you might be able to find room in your budget to bring home a few pieces at thrift store prices even if you’re not ready to run out and buy a whole new wardrobe.
And it may be that what will make you comfortable is out of your reach right now. It may be significant weight loss that will take a lot of time and work. It may be hormones or surgery that you can’t afford, or it may require a change that modern medicine can’t yet offer. But it’s worth trying.
Top surgery was the thing that changed how I related to clothes, but what hits that button is going to be different for every person. As much as you’re able to, keep trying and don’t be afraid. Baby steps are still steps, and what turns out to be your personal turning point may surprise you.
Originally published at www.dressingthespectrum.com on October 5, 2015.
