The Gift of Feedback — Continued

Continuing from last week’s conversation, I want to conclude this discussion about feedback with some very practical ways to implement this vital tool into your life.

Types of feedback

Here is where it gets tough, because feedback is not about feelings or an emotional response. It must be about a specific thing. You want to identify a behavior that can be seen or heard. A behavior is something very specific that you can see or hear rather than a feeling that is felt.

There are four types of feedback. A visual way to tell them apart from one another is assigning them to a grid. If you do a quick google search for feedback grid, you can find many examples of this explained. I have found this one that will hopefully help our discussion.

The four types of feedback are positive general, negative general, positive specific, and negative specific. The two types we are most familiar with are negative general and positive general.

Positive general: good job, you’re great, you are so amazing, I love you

Negative general: you could have done better, you are so lazy, I hate you

I would challenge you to never be a person of negative general feedback: you are better than that, you are smarter than that, the world deserves better, up your game. Positive general feedback is great, but it does not last for that long. It’s like a sugar high after eating a piece of candy.

So we are left with two types of feedback both being very specific. Specific feedback is the gift that I am trying to plead with you to give other people. My college pastor has two quotes that have always stuck with me. The first quote is, “Nothing is dynamic until it is specific.” The second quote is, “Always be grateful when somebody tells you the truth.” Whether the feedback you have to give somebody is something very specifically negative or specifically positive, swallow the lump in your throat and give the feedback.

Personal Observations and Lessons Learned

- Study your opening line — I cannot tell you about how many times I have gone into a conversation with somebody knowing I was going to give them feedback. I had thought about the conversation for weeks on end. I had thought about possible objections the person would have, how they would respond emotionally, and had the entire conversation mapped out in my head, except for one thing…the opening line. The very first words out of your mouth can either launch the conversation into a successful one or derail the entire thing. Don’t be like me and forget to think about your opening line. Here are a few examples of great open ended questions to enter into a feedback conversation…

Hey, is now a good time for you to chat?

I observed something about you the other day and I would love to give you some feedback about it, is now a good time?

I was thinking about you and there is an area I think I could really help with, is now a good time to chat about it?

You look a little busy right now, is it ok when you free up in a little bit if we can talk?

Not all feedback is negative — One of the most amazing things that I have experienced is how uncomfortable people get when receiving positive specific feedback. In a way, people are expecting you to critique them and poke holes in their work. But when you have a face to face conversation with them and tell them specifically things that they are doing an amazing job at, they get squirmy and uncomfortable. Help me rebrand feedback and make it a positive experience for people.

Relationships are strengthened by valuable feedback — The most common excuse I have heard people give for not wanting to give feedback to another person is that they care too much about their relationship with that person. This is the lamest excuse I have ever heard in my entire life, and people should be ashamed they think this way. If you truly care for the person as much as you say you do then you can’t help but give them the feedback because you know it will help their life in the long run. Stop using this excuse.

Feedback is not a sandwich — Some people ascribe to the theory that in order to “soften the blow” of feedback you have to sandwich negative feedback with two positives one on each side. While you can do this, it’s not necessary. Often what I have found when you do this is that people are confused and left wondering what you actually meant by the conversation; the true meaning gets lost in translation. Let negative feedback stand by itself on its own two feet.

Make emotional deposits — Stephen Covey talked a lot about the idea of making emotional deposits in people’s lives because you never know when you might have to make a withdrawal. This is so true when working with people. Any chance you have to say a kind word, give a compliment, do a good deed, do it. You never know when you might have to make a withdrawal from their emotional bank account.

Be a better getter — The best way to get better with giving feedback is to be better at receiving feedback; that’s right, go out and ask for feedback. Ask for feedback from your employer, your best friend, your spouse, your pastor, anybody who you interact with on a frequent basis. Being this vulnerable with somebody might startle them at first, but if you really want to improve in life and be successful, be a better getter.

Feedback gives you an arena to play in — This one concept has change my marriage with my wife. By truly embracing the concept of specific feedback, asking for permission and timing to give the feedback, there is an arena architected for conversation to happen. Let me unpack this metaphor a bit and tell you how it has impacted my marriage relationship. Early on in our marriage, I discussed this concept of feedback with my wife and we agreed it would be good to implement in our marriage. That Sunday, when we were leaving church, I asked my wife if I could give her some feedback about her appearance that day, she said yes. I told her that the way in which she was wearing her eyeliner was darker than normal and did not look nearly as good on her as the style she normally wears it. She thanked me for the feedback and has not worn her eyeliner like that since. Now some of you who read my blog, especially hyper-feminists (you know who you are) just threw something at the screen; but let me explain from my wife’s point of view. She has referenced that piece of feedback many times throughout the years to her friends when explaining feedback. The point she always draws out is that if I am her husband, who loves her very much and her love is reciprocated to me just the same, why wouldn’t we want to give feedback to each other about our looks? She wants to please me and I her, so if we are vulnerable enough to give feedback, pursue the problem and not attack the person, we can progress together. Feedback provides you an amazing arena in which to converse in without feelings being put on the table. When you draw feelings and emotions into the conversation somebody is bound to get hurt it is simply a fact of life.

These are just a few of my own personal lessons learns from giving and receiving feedback. How about you?

Leave a comment below; I would love to hear from you.