someone very close to me almost died yesterday.

a few thoughts you have when someone you love attempts suicide:

  1. This is somehow my fault. I reached out but not enough, I should have made it more clear that I was there for her, I must have been able to do something more than I did.
  2. This is not about me. As much as I’m wondering why she didn’t call me, why I didn’t get a single text from her before, it’s not about me and I can’t make it about me.
  3. She is so beautiful. It feels unreal that I’m seeing her face again.
  4. If he had found her minutes later, she might not be standing here now.
  5. Things feel really normal with her, but then she does something like make a Coping Joke or mention the Incident and things feel crooked again.
  6. She doesn’t want to be here right now. I tell her I’m glad she’s here, but she doesn’t reply because I’m sure she’s thinking, “If I could have had things my way, I wouldn’t be here with you. I would be dead.”
  7. I am not allowed to feel suicidal anymore. I am not allowed to think about doing what she did, because this isn’t about me, it’s about her.
  8. Why is it that every time I see her, I picture her cold and unconscious on the ground, eyes rolled back in her head, limbs limp, her ex-boyfriend crying over her while he talks to the police correspondent on the phone.
  9. I wonder what was going through her head. I was too afraid to ask, and when I did ask, she said it was better I didn’t know.
  10. I want to hold her tight and never let her go again. But she has other people she’d rather see than me, and anyway she’s an adult and I can’t just keep her handcuffed to me forever so that I don’t risk losing her.
  11. Her boyfriend is psychotic and I wish that he would go away forever. If I had it my way, she would be okay without him and this wouldn’t have happened. All I think when I see his stupid face is “This was your fault. You are to blame for this. I hope you wear that burden like a fucking crown of thorns.”
  12. She seems so okay. But everything she does must feel so mundane. “I wouldn’t be doing this if…” If. I don’t want to know what comes after that “if.”
  13. She wasn’t even thinking about me. I know I said this isn’t about me but why didn’t she call me? She didn’t even text me something like “goodbye” or “I’m sad” or anything. And I know it’s not about me but I can’t help wondering.
  14. Would she have been there if I were in that hospital bed? Would anyone have been there?
  15. No, because if the situation were reversed, I would not have ended up in a hospital bed. It would not have been an attempt.
  16. All I can think when we’re talking or when she’s looking at me is “I wasn’t worth living for. He wasn’t worth living for. No one in your family or any of your friends were worth living for to you.” And I don’t blame her, per se, but it hurts to think.
  17. I can’t do this right now. I can’t think about pulling the steering wheel while I’m driving, because even thinking it is unfair to her. And doing it would be, too. I can’t explain how, but it would.
  18. How could she do this?
  19. How do we know she won’t do it again?
  20. I’ve never been so glad to see a face as I was when she walked out of her hospital room and hugged me. Never been so glad to hear a joke as when she said “nice shirt.” The shirt was hers. I laughed because I hadn’t even realized I was wearing it.
  21. I would have been wearing her shirt the morning she died.
  22. I wish I could do something to help her.
  23. There’s nothing I could do. She doesn’t even want my help.
  24. If only she had answered my text the night before. If only I had visited her like I thought to. If only someone had been there to hold her, drunk and tear-soaked, and tell her that there’s nothing in this world worth losing her over.
  25. I can’t stop thinking about how close she was. About how minutes could have changed everything.
  26. I can’t stop thinking that no one would notice me and drag me to the hospital if it were the reversed. It’s not about me it’s not about me it’s not about me, but I can’t help but picture myself in the same situation but cold and dead long before anyone found me.
  27. It hurts. It’s not my fault but it still hurts as if it were. I wish I could to something to protect her.
  28. Everything feels different. She seems more like a flower that’s losing its petals than she does like a person. I’m worried that if I touch her she’ll turn into dust in my hands.
  29. If she had dated me instead of him, I would never have let this happen.
  30. How can I sleep knowing she is in so much pain that she believes the world would be better off without her?
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