The Relativity of Desire
first in a series on desire
Is desire a bad thing? Many spiritual paths suggest that yes, indeed it is. But like many things spiritual, distortions sneak in. Imagine that.
Removing ourselves from the desire of “I want this, or I want that,” is an unnatural activity. Because desire is like anything: you can have too much, or too little.
The idea itself has become a bit of a false flag in spiritual circles. Why? Because we never stop wanting or desiring. Let’s state the obvious: Desire is natural. Removing desire is not the goal. Generally speaking, removing desire is suppression, an act of denial.
The issue boils down somewhat to how we ‘relate’ to our wants and desires. For example, do I ‘need’ this person, object or circumstance as something necessary to achieve equilibrium within myself? In this sense, we are looking at desire from the perspective of needing something outside of us, something external to help us overcome dysfunction inside of us. That can be an unhealthy behavior.
But there are other ways to look at desire. For example, is my desire for something so great that it creates imbalance in myself, or in others, or in my environment or even in my own goals? Or, is my desire modest, exhibited and lived in ways that bring about better balance and harmony?
The implication of removing ourselves from desire, to become some kind of unattached, cold stone, implies that desire should not be allowed to exist. This is an immature, undeveloped perspective.
Desire exists as a force of nature, as a natural emotion, and also as a natural need. We desire food, sleep, survival, and much more. Desire is neither bad nor good. It is simply natural.
When desire introduces volatility, is that necessarily an excessive force? Because sometimes excessive volatility is necessary in order to induce change toward a more balanced and harmonious direction. Creative surges and fires of desire can be powerful triggers of change. And we can cite many examples in history and in our own lives of when positive change is sometimes preceded by great disruption.
How do we keep desire in check? In the face of great disruptions, when we are involved in monumental forces, what is the end goal? What can we use to determine if disruption is bringing about greater harmony?
Our view of desire must remain relative if we are to successfully navigate through it’s waters. But relative to what? Relative to ourselves, our environment, our world, and our situations and goals. Relative to something greater than imbalance and disharmony.
I recall a time over 25 years ago when I was really seriously distraught. I had personal values in my life, but I felt directionless. I was flailing about like a live fish thrown into the bottom of the boat. I had an unspoken inner need for some kind of rudder, to guide and steer my overall life by. Something besides simple everyday values, morals and ethics.
Looking back, this was a dangerous, susceptible time in my life. Because I was eager to grab onto something, anything, that could bring me a greater sense of stability and direction. The danger was that I would grab some kind of support, something to ‘believe in’, which would then become something that convinced me it was the’one and only way’.
Fortunately, I realized over time that the ‘one and only way’ was full of relativity. There is no single way, because there are too many variables.
Eventually, I began to dig deeper, to look for a constant in a universe of variables. But at first glance relativity did not feel all that stable. Maybe that’s why I gravitated to an ancient martial art: Jiu Jitsu.
One way of viewing relativity is that our actions and interactions have relatives. In this sense, relatives include both situations and people. Just like humans, situations have brothers, sisters, parents, children, lovers, friends and other relationships. It is all interrelated. And so it is with desire.
For most of us, desire is personal. Most of our experience with desire is self-centered. One of the few times we experience desire from someone else’s perspective is when they have a corresponding desire that includes us. But generally speaking, our individual desires are typically not all that inclusive. And, in my opinion, this is because we are blissfully (or un-blissfully) too self-centered.
We are often unaware of what it takes to put us in a more inclusive place, a perspective that both brings us to a better or greater point of balance and harmony, and also takes into account ‘relatives’.
This reminds me of family dynamics during holidays. Often, one side of the family feels empowered to be the center of attention every year — at the expense of the other side of the family, the dreaded in-laws. How can we deny how self-centered this is, even though great offense will be taken even at the merest suggestion. That’s one of the moments when guilt us deployed.
Sometimes we grow uncomfortable with these ‘family members’, including guilt and exclusivity. And somewhere, not all that far beneath the surface, we become frustrated and unhappy. We may find ourselves growing increasingly uncomfortable. Similar to me 25 years ago, we are desperate to find something, anything that can bring us “to a greater sense of stability and direction.”
Desire is a natural force and motion. But because the emotional aspect of desire can become overwhelming, the Buddhas of the world endeavor to teach us behaviors designed to control it. They do not teach us to suppress or eliminate it. They try to convey that it is relative, that its causes and effects can easily transcend our own limited, individual perspective and experience of it.
It’s okay, for example, to want to change the world, but it’s not okay to do that by causing unnecessary death and suffering. It’s okay to desire a cold drink of water, but unthoughtful to use the remainder up washing your dog when three thirsty children are parched for a sip. It’s certainly okay to tithe in the church collection plate, but is it okay to then pass by a beggar with his wife and children standing at the exit of the church parking lot? Depending on our degree of awareness, what’s okay and what’s acceptable to us may be limited by our sense of desire as it relates to self fulfillment.
If our own experience of desire is causing unnecessary instability and suffering, then an adjustment needs to be made. If, on the other hand, our experience of desire is causing necessary instability and suffering, then we need to proceed forward with a careful, considerate hand.
I have followed this guide in my own life. Sometimes it has served me well, and other times I have failed miserably. Most of my failures have been because I kept my desire too closely centered around only me, too egocentric. This included, by the way, feeling sorry for myself.
Watch and care for the people and circumstances that are relative to or even perhaps somewhat beyond your desire. The object of our desire is not always a reliable compass of feedback, since it may lie too closely connected inside the so-called field of desire.
On the other hand, people and circumstances that lie beyond the direct field of your desire may provide a better feedback loop. You don’t have to talk to them about it: just quietly observe their actions and reactions. Their judgment and non-judgment.
Finally, the inverse can also be true: people and circumstances which lie further from the direct field of our desire may have a weakened, uninformed or distorted viewpoint. All of these things need to be constantly and honestly considered within ourself, measured against our own intuition and our own inner truth barometer.
The Truth is relative. It’s a relative to you, but also to everyone and everything else. Including desire.
