“Abyss” and burning out in the year of the pandemic
If there’s something BTS fans can always count on it’s with the group’s complete honesty. From speaking frankly about the frustration of having to hold an online-only concert for MAP OF THE SOUL ON:E to sharing their “darkest” feelings on brutally honest songs written under the effects of a pandemic, everytime we read the boys’ lyrics we know everything they want to say, because it’s there, for all to see. And it’s real.
This is not different from their solo works, if not even stronger, so when Jin (Kim Seokjin) shared, less than two hours (Korean time) before his 28th birthday, a solo track on the group’s official Soundcloud, we knew what to expect: honesty. However, that song hit me differently and got me thinking.
As a fan, I was completely satisfied and well-served with “Abyss”. The melody is perfect, the vocals are flawless… well, it’s the very well-known quality that we find in every work of every BTS member. As a creative profissional that had to work creatively (duh) during a pandemic, though, I had to take a few steps back and start heavy breathing.
It’s not the first and certainly won’t be the last time I see myself reflected in one of BTS’s lyrics, but the message Jin posted alongside the track speaks to me on a different level: it speaks to me as someone who’s been burnt out a few too many times.
“To tell you the truth, I was severely burnt out recently, and I think it was because I had many thoughts regarding myself”, he starts. And if there’s one thing that’s a true abyss, it’s these kinds of thoughts. The sensation of entering a seemingly never-ending spiral that pulls you down and down and down to an abyss and makes you question absolutely everything you’ve ever done, everything you’re doing, and everything you’ll do someday.
For many times in this pandemics I went through moments where I questioned myself, creatively speaking. I questioned where did my creativity go, questioned my abilities of enjoying what I was doing and where I was professionally, questioned if it was right of me to work “on automatic” just because I no longer had the emotional strength to deliver something extremely well-produced so I did the bare minimum. What if people thought I was a fraud for this? What if people found out I’m actually very weak?
I’m lucky to have a big and present emotional support, lucky that I go to therapy, that I have people I can vent out to, and, what the heck, I’m lucky I have a very good network (as much as I hate this word). All that sometimes made me think countless times: what if I don’t deserve all this privilege?
I found these almost exact same words and feelings in Seokjin’s message about “Abyss”: “I received congratulations from many people regarding the 1st place on Billboard’s Hot 100 Chart, but I wondered whether I deserved to receive such things… There are honestly a lot of people who love music and are better at music than me, so is it okay for me to receive such joy and congratulations…”
Imagine being so emotionally drained and exhausted to the point of thinking you don’t deserve praise and support regarding the thing you’ve been working so hard and so beautifully on? Personally, I think this is one of the most common feelings in 2020, this year where more than missing hugging and being together with your friends, doubt is the true feeling that unites us. The uncertainty.
Uncertainty about the world, our place on it, people we have relationships with, our career… I’m writing about me, under the perspective of a song released by someone many miles, 12 hours and a whole language away, but if you think this could be about you, welcome.
We all have doubts here.
(Special thanks to doyoubangtan for the translations.)
