How to Go from Conflict to Conversation at Work and in Life
By Ann Park, M.D. ’87, Duke Alumni Career Coach and Physician
Conflict. Disagreement. Disputes. These are the encounters that most of us would probably prefer to avoid. Yet research consistently shows that avoiding conflict often makes it worse down the road. So what if there was a way to turn the ship around, even in the most challenging conflict situations?
Thanks to the latest science on how we communicate and process emotions, we can do just that. Let’s look at four key steps you can take to go from conflict to conversation.
Step One: Take a Strategic Pause. Sophisticated brain imaging studies show that we essentially function with two operating systems that are as different as Mac and PC. The first system (the limbic system) handles emotions such as fear, anger, or anxiety and helps control the body’s alarm system. The second system (the frontal cortex) gets involved when it’s time to plan, monitor outcomes and adjust behaviors. When we perceive any kind of threat the limbic system gets us ready for battle. The decision-making part of the brain doesn’t get to the starting line as quickly. As a result, emotions may literally get the better of us during a conflict. A strategic pause gives your rational brain time to arrive at the scene of the crime, assess the situation, and help you plan the next best step.
How do you pause? It may be telling your counter-party: “I need time to think this over. I’ll get back to you.” It may taking a quick walk around the block. It may be as simple as not hitting “send.” In the immediacy of a conflict, taking a pause allows you avoid a hasty decision you may later regret and gives you the full array of options as you decide how to proceed.
Step Two: Listen. We all want to be heard. The flip side to that is that true listening is a rare commodity. Yet a wide range of research from the classroom to the workplace demonstrates that listening is a competency that can be practiced and mastered. One way to start is by giving the other person a concrete offer to say what is on their mind. You can say: “I’d like to hear your perspective on the situation. Tell me how you see it.” Hold off on interruptions, judgments, or assumptions. Sit on your hands if you have to! Once the other person speaks, you can affirm that you have truly heard by repeating or summarizing: “So what I heard you say is A, B, C.” Often in conflict, half the battle is that one or both people feel misunderstood. As a coach, I’ve seen that helping people to truly listen to each other can eliminate much of the bitterness that would otherwise be present, and is a powerful way to build bridges. This holds true across the board, whether I’m working with executives in an organization or a couple in a relationship.
Step Three: Find the Mutual Matters. Now that you have really heard the other person, you know even more about what is important to them in the situation at hand. There is an excellent chance that at least one of those issues is also important to you. Sometimes, the mutual interest is as basic as avoiding a bad outcome. For example, think of a company in which two co-workers can’t agree. Yet both want their organization to do well and both are certainly interested in keeping their jobs. What about a couple? Both members likely want a joyful, thriving relationship that can go the distance. In any conflict situation, look for the mutual interests and concerns that affect you and the other person. Highlight them specifically. This serves as a motivator to the other (and yourself) that both sides can benefit if a solution is found.
Step Four: Craft a Common Goal. This involves what I like to call The Language of We. After you’ve identified what mutually matters to you both, start to re-frame the problem in terms of solving the problem together. This draws on the behavioral science of motivational interviewing. The Language of We, such as, “How can We figure this out together?” Or “What can We do to solve this?” is effective in two ways. First, it creates an atmosphere of partnership. Second, it gives the other person skin in the game. Since they helped to craft a solution, they are often more motivated to follow through. After all, it’s an idea that they themselves helped come up with!
Take home message: Disputes and disagreements are an inevitable part of life, but they can be turned around. By taking these four steps, you can find a scientifically supported way to go from conflict to cooperation, collaboration, and conversation.
