“Cut it out, Russia”

Ideas for stuff the US could do to you

By Jeremy Kohler

The president also warned on Friday that the American government would respond to the Russian hacking to “send a clear message to Russia, or others, not to do this to us because we can do stuff to you. … Some of it we will do in a way that they will know, but not everybody will.”

- New York Times 12/16/16

The US could tell Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia about that time Russia wet its sleeping bag at the G20 sleepover.

The US could totally take the last three slices of pepperoni on pizza day when Russia is next in line and obviously wanted pepperoni.

The US could fake an allergy attack on the morning of the big science project and make Russia have to do the presentation itself. The US’s dad is a doctor, so a note will be no problem, and its grade won’t be affected.

The US could slip some copper sulfate crystals into its pocket at the end of science lab and sell them to Russia later on as rock candy. It won’t kill Russia but it will make him vomit blue shit for hours.

Under the Monroe Doctrine, the US could make sure Russia never gets picked for bombardment anywhere in the Western Hemisphere.

On the day Russia comes in with new Adidas that its grandma got it for its birthday, US could get its shoes good and muddy and “accidentally” step on Russia’s Stan Smiths and paste them with mud.

The US could give Cuba the quiz questions from the world history morning section, and in return ask it to look for opportunities to tabletop Russia. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PRBleEteSYA

The US could tell Ghana about the Chilean dick pics on Russia’s phone. Ghana can’t keep a secret, so it’s a solid bet Russia will get called into the UN Security Council.

The US could invite the UK, France and China to its super fun birthday party at Dave and Buster’s, and post lots of pics to Instagram.

The US could slip into Russia’s locker and replace some of its Adderall with Tylenol. Then when Russia falls asleep during study hall, the US could give Ukraine the heads up that it’s a good time to take Crimea back.

The US could double-dog dare Russia to lick Iceland.