St. Louis crime carols
Victim states she was at suspect’s apartment watching Netflix, and didn’t realize it had snowed four inches. “I really can’t stay,” the victim stated. Suspect stated, “It’s cold outside.” The victim stated she agreed to half a drink more, and recalls the suspect asking her to put on a record while he made the drink. The conversation turned back to the weather when the victim began to feel light headed and wondered aloud, “What’s in this drink?” Her last memory was the suspect helping her in the backseat of a Pine Lawn police car.
COMES NOW plaintiffs Jamil Salanda and Rachael “RJ” Jesperson, who allege they were wrongfully arrested on Dec. 3 by officers from the St. Louis County Police Department. Plaintiffs bring this federal action under the First and Fourth amendments. Salanda and Jacobson, both second-year law students at St. Louis University, were part of a group of activists demanding $15 minimum wage for fast food workers and chanting “WE WON’T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME! WE WON’T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME! WE WON’T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME!” County police officers arrested the suspects under the city’s “interference” ordinance. Plantiffs allege the ordinance is unconstitutional and that officers conspired to deprive them of their civil rights and figgy pudding.
Passerby spotted blue and silver wig partially buried in a snow bank on Elm Avenue, and cleared the snow away to find victim Sadie Brown, 82. Victim Brown was two blocks from her grandson’s house, where she had spent Christmas Eve. Family stated that victim may have forgotten to take her medication. Victim became combative after eight glasses of egg nog, and staggered out the door into the snow. Victim had a hoof print on her back. Further attempts to piece together victim’s evening were unsuccessful, as her husband was watching the Broncos-Chiefs game with his grandson Mel.
Witness states he took the juvenile suspect, his brother, 5 ½, to the South County Center to meet Santa Claus. While in line, the younger brother became convinced that nothing was real. He kept screaming, “YOU’RE NOT REALLY SANTA CLAUS! YOU’RE NOT REALLY SANTA!” Witness thought juvenile suspect would calm down when he reached the front of the line, but juvenile suspect dove at Santa, pulled the pillow out of his shirt and yanked the beard right off of his chin. Juvenile suspect has been referred to St. Louis Family Court, which entered a guilty plea for him, unknowingly and involuntarily.
I, Officer Mark Jacobson, have probable cause to believe that G.K. WENCESLAS has committed a violation of Missouri’s controlled substance laws. On Dec. 26, a night of cruel frost, this officer was undercover at 14th and Locust Streets, when he witnessed defendant and an assistant J. PAGE approach a homeless man and gave him a plastic baggie. Suspects were taken into custody. The substance was taken to the Missouri Highway Patrol lab and confirmed to be synthetic marijuana.
Victim Col. John Frost, 65-year-old Vietnam veteran, of no certain address, reports he passed out in Lucas Park, and awoke to find that area children had rolled him in snow and put coal in his eyes and a corncob pipe in his mouth, and an old silk hat they found. He chased them through the streets of town, right to this officer, who took a report. This officer yelled, “Stop,” as Col. Frost is known to suffer flashbacks. The kids all said he was laughing and playing with them. Col. Frost paused a moment, then raised his hand and swore he would be back for revenge.
Officers responded to calls for a peace disturbance today (Dec. 11) at the Starbucks on Wydown Boulevard to find the store manager had placed suspect Eric Schultz in a headlock hold. Manager said Schultz had ordered a latte using the name “Trump.” When barrista Erika Ismail handed him the red cup, she wished him a “Happy Holidays.” Schultz began taking silver bells off the display cases and ringing them loudly in the store. “It’s Christmas time in the city!” Schultz asked Ismail to fill in the blank: “Soon it will be what day?” She responded, “Today is Mawlid, the birthdate of the prophet Muhammad.” Schultz complained that he was being discriminated against.
