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1. What’s your idea of a perfect Saturday night?
A. Dinner and a movie with your lady
B. Poker and cigars with the boys
C. Netflix and Dominos by your lonesome.
D. Sunset on the beach, a little drinking and mingling, random hookup, then who knows?
2. When you are out “drinking and mingling,” which brand of gin do you prefer?
A. Beefeater
B. Bombay Sapphire
C. Hendricks
D. Gordon’s
3. And how do you like to garnish your martini?
A. Spanish olives
B. cocktail onions
C. a twist of lemon
D. an apple slice
4. Wait … is this Tom? It’s me, Trina.
A. Tom who?
B. Trina who?
C. Do I know you?
D. What is happening here?
5. I haven’t heard from you since last summer on Block Island. Why didn’t you ever call me?
A. I didn’t have your number.
B. You were supposed to call me.
C. I don’t remember this clearly at all.
D. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?
6. Well, Tom, Mr. Apple Slice — which is what I call you because you never told me your last name — it’s good to finally hear from you. Did you ever think about me?
A. No
B. Maybe
C. Yes.
D. I am afraid.
7. Aw, that’s sweet! I think about you all the time. Think about your smile, and those beautiful promises. About how safe I felt, snuggled in those strong shoulders. And then I think about that cold, empty bed the next morning. And how I look out the window to see you jumping on the ferry. All I knew about you was the apple slice thing. Oh, also that birthmark on your scrotum. How have you been?
A. Busy
B. Tied up.
C. Miserable
D. In rehab
8. Sorry to hear that! You seemed cool as a cucumber that night. So fucking cool and confident and funny. Had us all laughing. Like a late night TV host. Funny how people change. It’s been, what, nine months?
A. Sounds right
B. I guess
C. If you say so
D. Where are you going with this?
9. Do you know what kind of changes can happen to a woman in nine months?
A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Really?
D. Please no.
10. Which brand of diaper do you feel provides the most absorption?
A. Huggies
B. Luvs
C. Pampers
D. Fuck are you talking about.
11. Hahaha! Just messing with you, pal. Besides, it couldn’t have happened with your tremendous control, right?
A. Sigh.
B. Gulp.
C. Whimper.
D. Right?
12. WRONG, buster. Wro-ho-hong. Your little swimmers could not be contained, even by your iron will. And swim they did, up Trina Creek, through the fertile valley to breed in the cool, crystal lake of my womb.
A.
B.
C.
D.
13. Cat got your tongue? Or are you having some of your fancy apple slice gin, you dandy, absentee fuck?
A.
B.
C.
D. Yup.
14. But relax, MAYBE I didn’t get preggos, right? Maybe you got lucky. Do you feel lucky?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Please.
D. Please oh please God.
15. Well, do you?
A. Yes
B. Yes
C. Yes
D. Yes
16. Is there any goodness in you, Tom?
A. Sometimes I wonder.
B. It makes an appearance sometimes.
C. When I’m sober.
D. I’m such a dick.
17. I’m not pregnant. I mean, I was, but I lost it. I had a miscarriage.
A. Oh.
B. God.
C. I’m sorry.
D. I’m really sorry.
18. Still fuckin’ with you, Bozo. I’ve been on the pill since I was 12, but it’s nice to know you care. You owe me one, fella. What’s your favorite weekend getaway?
A. Nantucket
B. Hamptons
C. Cape Cod
D. New Orleans
19. New Orleans, yippeee! I love New Orleans. Is that where you’re taking me, Tom?
A. I guess so.
B. If you want to.
C. Can you spare the whole weekend?
D. What are you wearing right now?
20. Silly, silly boy. Put down your gin and apples and consider this last question carefully. What kind of man are you?
A. A good man.
B. A changed man.
C. A contrite man.
D. For the love of all things good and holy, a new subscriber.
