Unsafe

I’m documenting this for two reasons. First, I may need some help. Very very soon. Second, to provide a record in case anything should, you know, happen.

I currently live in a trailer with two other people. One of them is My biological sister. The other is her … paramour, I guess? (He’s almost 50 so calling him her “boyfriend” seems weird. So I won’t.)

Those familiar with Me are aware that I have a fatal brain disease known as hepatic encephalopathy (HE). This has caused Me in the past to wander off, forget where I am, do things without realizing it like get on a bus or buy things, and then a few minutes to a few hours later “wake up” and realize that I’m not where I remember being. I’ve gotten used to that, although it is a bit scary.

Right now though I’m terrified.

This past weekend, the two people I live with left to go and visit My (Our?) Mother, who is having some health problems of her own. Not something that’s all that weird, although it did interfere with some plans I had. I was also left with no bottled water, but I had been wanting to see if the local grocery would deliver this far anyhow. They delivered four cases of water and some food the next day, I was set for the weekend. All by Myself.

The weekend went pretty uneventfully. I played on the computer a lot, watched some Netflix, did a little cooking, etc. It seemed fairly calm. I texted My sister to ask when they would be back, she said Monday, I replied okay. No worries.

Then came Monday.

They returned around five. Within fifteen minutes the man charged into My room screaming at Me and threatening Me. He accused Me of breaking into their bedroom and using their toilet, leaving it unflushed. I of course denied doing that because I really had no clue what he was talking about. I have been in the doorway of their bedroom maybe twice in the four months We’ve lived here, and I could not to save My life tell you what their bathroom looks like. At all.

There is a possibility, I have to admit if I’m being honest, that I really did do what he’s accusing Me of and have no recollection of doing so. Previously when this sort of thing has happened (to the best of My knowledge) I “wake up” and at least realize that something happened. Not this time. As far as I was concerned, I spent the weekend chillin’ in My room. I take pills to make Me urinate and defecate, so when I gotta go I gotta GO and I have no time to break into a locked room to use the toilet. But it seems to have happened.

There are other possibilities, though less likely. However, My paranoia (also a symptom of HE) makes Me consider alternatives. One of them could have forgotten to flush the toilet and not noticed any previous damage to the door trim. One of them could be setting Me up to try and get Me committed or put into some sort of nursing home, or be trying to take over My affairs. He could have done it himself to try and give himself an excuse to leave. I know, all of those sound really really lame when I type them out.

He’s a large man. Probably outweighs Me by over a hundred pounds. I was bulled frequently as a child so I got used to keeping a calm exterior while My insides were going crazy; that served Me well this time, although I’m sure it just irritated him more. I was really frightened for My safety when he was screaming and yelling at Me. It was very clearly domestic abuse even though I was not hit. For hours afterwards, I could literally feel My heart beating through My chest. I had a home nurse visit today and she told Me that My blood pressure was extremely high; she was surprised that I wasn’t on any blood pressure medication! I can still notice it, I know he’s in the house (well, trailer). I’m keeping a phone and a sharp knife handy. Just in case.

My sister and My mother have both tried to explain to him, both now and in the past, that My HE will cause things like this to happen sometimes. (Again, if that’s what it really was!) His losing it and going ballistic is no more rational than getting upset with somebody because they have cancer. I am doing My best to try and remember that and not feel guilty. It’s almost working.

I do not believe that this can go back to normal. It’s too far gone. I’m always going to be second-guessing him and wondering what he’s going to do to Me. I’m going to feel even less comfortable having him drive Me anywhere, and taking a cab is not always affordable. Realistically, I know he has anger management issues, and to at least some extent what he did is no more “his” fault than what I (allegedly) did. Even though I do not accept that anyone has libertarian free will, there are still consequences to actions and taking personal responsibility for one’s own doing.

So what now?

I’ve got calls in all over the place. I filed a report with Adult Protective Services (APS), and the nurses who came out to visit also say that they’ll file one on My behalf. I’ve called My health care provider, reached out to My care coordinator with Medicaid, and contacted an assisted living facility in Houston. My mother is coming to visit tomorrow to try to broker some peace as well, and I may be leaving to stay with her for a few days.

Or longer. I have one suitcase full of clothes and stuff, I’ll take My laptop and drugs and a book or two. Everything else I have can be replaced. Just in case the leaving becomes permanent.

There is no way that he can afford the rent and bills here on his own if I leave. Likewise if he leaves I can’t afford to stay. Either of those scenarios would leave My sister … to put it gently … SOL. And I really do love My sister. More than I can possibly say. She just got denied for the second time applying for disability. She left her husband in Arkansas to move to Texas so that, at least in part, she could help take care of Me. This would devastate her.

Sometimes there are no good options.

I think that the last presidential election proved that! So I’m just going to go with the least shitty option again and decide against the ignorant racist.