What’s Better than Sex?
That’s not a rhetorical question. My answer? Many, many things.
This whole “I have a fatal brain disease thing and might be dead in a few years” has prompted Me to reevaluate some significant parts of My life, and also to publicly (or, as publicly as I can get on Medium) talk about parts of Myself that I usually don’t talk about with people. My sexuality is one of the things I’ve been thinking about a bit.
As a few of you may already know, I identify as an asexual. This does not mean that I reproduce through mitosis, though I think that would be kinda cool and interesting.
When I first heard the word “asexual,” I didn’t know what it meant. I thought maybe it was another word for incels. Maybe it was a word for people who were impotent, or frigid. Maybe it meant people who just don’t like sex or can’t physically have sex or something.
I never thought it could apply to Me. I’ve had sex many times, usually enjoyed it, definitely not impotent, and, despite being a little on the chubby side, have rarely had much of a problem finding willing partners. (Usually they find Me.) Right now, where I’m living, in rural Texas, as an atheist with strong Satanic leanings and a definitely non-heteronormative sexuality, I’ve had some difficulty in that area for a few months. I’d like to change that.
So how in the world can I say that I’m asexual?
I’ll start out by saying that this little bit of writing is My opinion, My understanding. Others who identify as asexual might not agree with some things I’ll say, or might feel differently about certain aspects of their own sexuality. This is just for Me, how I define the word as it applies to My own sexuality.
Let Me start out with a simple definition: What is asexuality? According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, “An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.” Fine. So what does that even mean?
At many points in My life, I’ve been with an acquaintance (usually male) when someone (usually female) comes along and, because that second person is attractive, the first person will comment (usually in a whisper to Me) something like “wow, look at that, wouldn’t you like to f*** her all night?” I’m pretty sure that’s sexual attraction. I’m not 100% sure because I do not experience that attraction.
One analogy I’ve heard used is that other people are like kittens. (NOT saying that other people are less than human or anything. It’s an analogy.) I might see a kitten and think it’s really cute. I may want to pet the kitten, or hold it, or cuddle it. I may want to take it home with Me and take care of it.
But I don’t really want to have sex with the kitten.
Never in My life have I looked at another person and thought “Wow, I’d like to have sex with them.” I don’t experience sexual attraction. I might find other people pretty, handsome, dashing, beautiful, whatever — that’s aesthetic attraction. I might want to kiss other people, or hug them, or cuddle with them — that’s sensual attraction. I might even want to enter into a romantic relationship with them — that’s romantic attraction. Or I might just want to sit and talk with them and find out more about them. (I don’t know the word for that, maybe intellectual attraction?)
Other people on the asexual spectrum have different levels of all of those types of attraction, but the one thing that all of Us “aces” share is a lack of sexual attraction. (I’ll mention demisexuals, who are considered to be on the asexual spectrum, who feel sexual attraction very very rarely and only after a significant emotional bond is established.) There are some “aro aces” or aromantic asexuals, who don’t feel romantically attracted to anybody; there are some “asensual aces” who don’t like being kissed or touched or anything of that sort. And each of those is a spectrum all to itself: some people enjoy hugs but not kissing, some people don’t enjoy either but are ok with cuddling, some people don’t like being touched ever any way at all. And so forth. Binary is for computers, and people are not computers.
Now, as to sex. There is definitely a spectrum for how aces feel about sex. Some are sex-negative, and even the thought or suggestion of anything sexual is a big turn off. Some are sex-neutral, and might have sex once in a while for any number of reasons. Some are sex-positive and want to have sex fairly frequently
Let’s get back to the part that I’m really interested in: ME.
A lot of the labels that I use to identify Myself start with “pan.” That means that gender is not a limiting factor in who I’m attracted to in any way. I do lean toward female or femme-male or femme-other individuals, though not exclusively; the only film/TV personality that I have on My bucket list currently is John Barrowman. Not to have sex with, maybe to meet someday and should I be so fortunate a kiss.
So, I am, in no particular order: asexual, panromantic, pansensual, panaesthetic, gender non-conforming. I’m sex-neutral tending toward sex-positive, and if I ever have sex then gender doesn’t matter although, as I mentioned, I do prefer feminine over masculine in most cases. (I know that those are NOT the only two choices, you’ve got genderfluid, enby, agender, and a whole bunch of other labels people use. If I like somebody none of that matters.)
Sex-neutral, in My case, means that I’d be just as likely (ok, maybe more likely) to enjoy a good conversation, some cuddling, a game of chess, a decent book or movie, whatever, as I would to enjoy having sex. I would be happy having a romantic relationship with someone and never ever doing sex stuff with them if they didn’t want to. Come to think of it, I’d be happier never having sex ever again than I would not playing chess ever again.
That’s what asexual means to Me. YMMV.
