Are you Wearing a Big Boy Jacket?

“I thought it was important that we went outside. I thought it was important that people on the other side of the DMZ see our resolve in my face. We will defeat any attack and meet any use of conventional or nuclear weapons with an overwhelming and effective American response. All options are on the table. History will attest the soldier does not bear the sword in vain.” -Minority Vice President Mike Pence

I bet the North Koreans are shaking in their boots, you impotent asshole. I mean look at the sheen on that brand new and unearned fake bomber jacket. Look at that “I’m tough, really, you can ask my mom” gait and that overly-rehearsed thin-lipped pretend scowl. You must have practiced that shit in the mirror for hours. After, of course, asking every military officer stationed at the DMZ if it really was safe for you to step outside. Yes, I’m sure your little bullshit fashion show and your look through the big boy binoculars have the North Koreans completely rethinking their entire strategy. I’m sure they’re drafting surrender papers right now and removing the nuclear cores from their weapons for safe transferal to the International Atomic Energy Agency. Good job, Pence! You’re doin’ it! You’re totally saving the world and not outing yourself as a weak man with a tiny penis that spent his entire life thinking he had to compensate for.

(psss…listen, man, your genitalia matters little. Pun not intended. Seriously, it’s no one’s business. You don’t need to bring the world to the brink of nuclear war, accidental or intentional, to make up for your tiny prick. Nobody cares. Probably not even Karen, but I haven’t reached out to confirm.)

Okay, real talk: I will beat the shit out of you and Trump and all the rest of the dickless wonders who are trying to get us all killed. Meet me at the smoke hole after school on Friday. You can even wear the bomber jacket to make my knees quake.

This is the Emergency Broadcast System. This is not a test.