Please consider the environment before you print this humor piece.

Please also consider the environment before you print it, throw it away, print it again, realize you already read it, throw it away, print it again, realize you've now read it three times, light it on fire, and throw it out the window of your SUV into a nature preserve, and into the mouth of a baby panda.

Please consider the starving children who don’t have access to humor pieces like this one. Think about how little it would cost to provide them with clean water, nutritious meals, and regular doses of parody, satire, and farce. For just pennies a day, humor pieces like this one can feed a family of four.

I urge you to consider issues of gender equality before you stop reading this humor piece. In today's world, it is important that websites on which humor pieces appear allow their writers to enjoy flexible schedules, the ability to work from home, and equal pay for equal work. If your favorite website happens to pay its male writers — and we're pretty sure it doesn't — make sure it pays it female ones as well. And if you run a website, well, just to be safe, you probably shouldn't pay anyone.

Please consider the Israeli-Palestinian conflict before you close your browser window. This humor piece has nothing to say on the subject, but you should consider it anyway.

Please consider the fragile state of a writer's emotions before you write your own competing humor piece, post it next to this one, and receive more comments, tweets, and Facebook likes than this one did.

And, finally, please do once again consider the environment before you print this humor piece, even though I failed to consider the environment while writing it on my power-sucking laptop plugged into the wall even when I'm not using it, on top of a desk made of unsustainable rainforest wood, under incandescent lighting, with the air conditioning on full blast, eating a mango that was flown here from Mexico, wearing a pair of boxer shorts made by children in Bangladesh and a coat made from the fur of a chinchilla — a chinchilla I feed conventionally grown grass and who loves to drink bottled water. And who couldn't care less about issues of gender equality, starving chinchilla children, or which websites publish his groundbreaking chinchilla humor. Please consider the environment while I yell at my chinchilla. Happy Earth Day.