Scared To Be Happy
“I’m scared to be happy.”
I had heard variations of this in the movies. Didn’t think it was ridiculous, but it never really touched or connected with anything either. Until now.
The past few months have been disappointing. I know I have my family, my health, a job, a house, food on the table — all that one could need to survive, or even thrive. I know that I should be grateful for what I have, as most of the people in the world don’t even have half of those things. And I am.
It’s just that “needs” and “wants” are different beasts. And the things that I’ve been really wanting and hoping for, have not been happening, while things that I was not expecting, or looking forward to, have been.
So, despite all that I have, I’ve been staring disappointment in the face one day after the other — at work, in personal relationships, finance, health — you name it.
There have been moments of joy too. But overall, I haven’t been having the best of times these past few months.
Until today.
Today has been a good day. Everything that could go right, did. Things that I had been wanting to do for quite some time, but hadn’t been able to, I was able to do today. Things that I had been hoping for, for months, got a good start and I’m hopeful they’ll turn out well. I’m actually quite happy today.
It’s been like one of those days, when you just get up on the right side of the bed, find all the lights green on your way, get asked out by somebody you’ve had a crush on for the longest time, find money on the ground, get an unexpected call from an old friend — nothing extraordinary, just a nice day over all. And just to be clear, not all of those things happened for me, but the day just felt as such a day would have felt (in my mind at least).
I wouldn’t call myself an overly superstitious person, but there was something about today that makes me want to believe in certain days being “auspicious”. At the same time, I also realize that it’s all in my head. If I believe a day to be good, it will turn out good. It’s just a game of confidence. Some days I have it, most days I don’t.
Anyway. The bottom line is, today was a good day. Or perhaps just a decent one — perhaps it’s only in the context of the recent time I’ve been having that it seems like a good day — a very rare and wonderful gift. Don’t remember the last time I felt this good. I’m happy, but more importantly than that, I’m hopeful.
But this hope and happiness is what I’m actually scared of. It’s probably the first time in my life that I’ve been scared to be happy.
I fear the things I’m looking forward to, will be taken away. Again. I have no reason to believe that, but I just can’t shake off this feeling based on how the recent months have been. I’ve come so close, but not close enough. I’ve had things taken away from within my grasp. I’ve been set up, only to fall.
I want to be happy today. But I fear if I do that, I’ll be setting myself up for more disappointment. Can’t help but feel that I’m being toyed with. And what’s really got under my skin is this: I’ve had one decent day, ONE, after such a long time, and I’m scared to even think about it, let alone enjoy it.
How sad is that?
