Emotional Pragmatism
Being rational and realistic still leaves room for important emotions
Some of us are born as pragmatists and others learn to be pragmatic, but either way we experience inherent conflicts between pragmatism and emotion — a dynamic balance that is sometimes easy and sometimes quite the opposite. As a lifelong pragmatist I have managed these conflicts with reason and perspective…more or less, most of the time. Recently, however, I found myself dealing with the less well balanced version…in this case not unexpected but nonetheless difficult. It was also a reminder how human nature includes the ability to avoid thinking about inevitabilities in life that we know are there but are too painful or unpleasant to consider.
A couple months ago my wife and I found ourselves having to cope with obvious signs of illness with our cat — a sweet, loving Maine Coon who was 17 years of age. We had adopted him almost 11 years earlier when the brother of a female associate at my wife’s company, who was dying of cancer, wanted to find a good home for his cat. This particular breed of cat is known for its dog-like qualities: waiting at the door for us to come home, following us around the house, coming when called. A thick-furred tuxedo, the staff at the vet’s office adored him.
When anyone acquires a pet, be it very young or older, we “know” it is very likely we will experience the death of that pet given that their expected lifespans are much shorter than ours — relative, obviously, to our own age. We do this even after we have experienced the loss of a beloved pet previously. Tens of millions of individuals have pets, and all are facing the same reality. An inherent conflict is that when that time comes, we try to juggle our emotions with our rational perceptions of the quality of our pet’s life. We don’t want them to suffer, but we also don’t want to end their life without some certainty that we are making the right decision at the right time for the right reasons.
Judging when that right time is can be difficult, particularly if medication seems to be helping and the pet seems to be doing better — which might be for quite a while or only a week or two. For us it was a stressful couple of months, with behavorial changes that were difficult to know the source of. Being pragmatic was made even more difficult when my wife became emotional — she’s as pragmatic as I am, so her tears were unnerving and undermined my pragmatism. I told her I would take him to the vet by myself, and in the end she found she couldn’t find the will to go with me.
Ultimately, pragmatism guided the right decision at the right time, and that’s really my point. As I watched the vet and her assistant gently bring sleep and then a peaceful end to his life, I kept reminding myself that this was for his sake, not ours. He’d stopped waiting at the door and no longer slept at the foot of the bed, so in some ways he was already gone. Now he was released from what we could only guess he was experiencing within. Being simultaneously pragmatic and emotional works, but years of practice make it easier than it might have otherwise been.
I’m quite sure I wouldn’t be nearly as pragmatic if something happened to my wife, who is the most important part of my emotionally pragmatic existence. Our cat never contemplated the meaning of life or his inevitable death, so his existence was more pure…just being in the moment. Humans, of course, do not have that luxury. We get to think about all the things that could happen or go wrong — and the consequences. We have daily reminders in the news of how many people experience it actually happening to them. The pragmatist takes comfort in statistical odds, but also can’t escape knowing that even the best odds don’t mean things won’t happen.
Overall, being pragmatic is better than the alternative. It gives us a solid foundation to be in the world without being as emotionally yanked here and there by all the aspects that come with being alive. Being rational and realistic still leaves room for important emotions — love, compassion, empathy, sharing — while having enlightenment, seeking truth and maintaining perspective. Spending time with like-minded people reinforces these values. Our cat loved us just because and didn’t judge our qualities. We tried to do the same for him.
