Not Getting Not Getting It

Those who are not victims cannot claim the same authority as those who have been

It was inevitable I’d bring my pragmatic focus onto the long overdue revealing of sexual harassment by men who knew better but didn’t care. How far this will go in finally mitigating such actions by males (and, yes, there are some reverse gender incidents) remains vague. Many women note that most women have experienced some version of harassment, but the male responses are far more questionable.

One particularly well-known male actor has simultaneously condemned harassment while noting that there’s a “spectrum” of such behavior and that many men do not participate in such behavior. This has elicited push-back from women insisting that despite some validity for this point of view, only individuals who have actually experienced these violations can understand what the short- and long-term results are. Simply having this dialogue is a huge step forward in dealing with this persistent and typically hidden problem.

The reality is that all “harassment” is not “equal,” and while every variation should be discouraged and avoided, the differences matter in terms of how serious each one is. If it’s unwanted, then it is simply wrong. The number one reality is that If you’re from a group that has never been oppressed for reasons of identity, you don’t know what it feels like. Empathy is appreciated, but without having experienced it personally, one simply cannot understand what such abuse is like.

The typical example being discussed openly is that being patted on the butt is quite a distance from, say, rape, but this overlooks that being patted on the butt a multitude of times by bosses, male friends, colleagues and strangers is an insidious invasion of personal space. And…not harassing should be the baseline. There is no praise deserved for not harassing because not doing so is the expected norm. And this means that females who are not wives, sisters, mothers, daughters or aunts deserve the same consideration.

The big picture is that while everyone should have freedom to speak on the topic, those who are not victims cannot claim the same authority as those who have been. At the same time, actual female vulnerability can be exaggerated by the assertion that even in the absence of force or explicit threat, the suggestive comments or sexual advances of a male are implicitly coercive. The real issue here is if women, particularly younger ones, say yes when they really mean no. Older women tend to be more protective of their rights gained after years of struggle for them.

I’ve noted many times that most issues are more complicated than many comprehend, and this one certainly qualifies. Even what appears almost black and white isn’t. There is subtlety, nuance and complexity in human relationships. Women are as much sexual beings as men, and should have the same rights to be respected and expect “no” to be understood as “no.” Males have an obligation to fulfill these expectations each and every time they interact with females. But…these social negotiations vary in how they are initiated and how they play out, so both parties have to be honest and appropriate in their interactions. No one should be in fear.

This last point is essential. Fear, anxiety, feeling unsafe should never, ever be present. If it is, then the fundamentals of social interaction have been ignored, distorted or misused. Equality and safety should never be in doubt. Ironically, this is not an ideological issue. Liberal males have a track record no better than conservative ones in this regard, and may be deemed as hypocritical as their conservative counterparts when it comes to their values and behavior toward females.

I see responses from men who think they, as a group, should receive benefit of doubt until proved otherwise, which sounds reasonable…except they all too often are not actively supporting females and holding other men to account for their various forms of harassment. Looking the other way and/or saying nothing do not count as condemning harassment or sexism in general. Pragmatic solutions require pragmatic actions. Wanting equality for women means doing more than just saying so.

The political party least interested in and most hostile toward women’s issues, rights and equality is now in power in the nation’s capital and in many states. Women who support this party have only themselves to blame for the results. As a pragmatic male, I want women to be equals with men in sharing life on this planet. But women should want it even more. There’s nothing pragmatic about being part of the problem.