A meandering monday
How a more open schedule led to me treating myself to a serendipiday
I have just realised 30 seconds into writing this, that last Monday was the complete opposite of today.
I have just opened my laptop after chowing down on a breakfast at a member’s club I joined this year. To write something less defined about a day that is in stark contrast to a manic monday. I have decided that today will be a serendipity. Well, at least from now until when I have a coaching chemistry call at 4pm.
Last night I had the foresight to make a playlist before I went to sleep. I decided to start from fresh and (re)connect with some classic drum and bass from the mid-to-late nighties alongside some related things. I haven’t tried it yet, because I got stuck into a Diary of a CEO podcast with Esther Perell. Someone I have found so much insight through. The discussion on relationship dynamics has been spinning me out a little while I take my Lime bike to the office.
I might have to come back to some of the topics later this week, if I dare.
The call of serendipity
Anyhow, while I was cycling to the office, I had so many thoughts. Possibly aided by a toke or two on an imported vape. New things to write about. New questions. Lots of things I could do with the ‘freer’ day I had. After all, it was starting to look like my most free day before the end of the year.
The first impulse that I followed was to keep cycling. Rather than the 8 mins to my office near home, I decided to check the map for going to White City. I’d potentially do some solo xmas and birthday shopping before my wife’s birthday next week. Going to the Westfield shopping centre, aided either by Esther or Drum and Bass in my ears to numb the pressure of going to one of those environments. Usually within about 20 mins I get an unexplained nausea.
But I’m here, and writing this. The shopping can come later after I’ve eaten something and earning a dopamine hit by writing something. Doing one of very few pre-planned commitments for the day.
I love a day without meetings, and no immediate pressures. Especially if I go somehwere I don’t often go. Wonder around. Think. Meander. By myself. But around other (random) people.
The problem I have is that I am really good at manufacturing pressures.
Guilt from home
The first pressure I manufacture is guilt. My wife had a manic morning as I got up a little later. The eldest was late out the door. The youngest decided to go to the toilet as she was hoping to leave.
She asked me what I was doing today. And highlighted that my eldest was needing to be picked up. I offered to do it then realised it clashed with my afternoon meeting.
I fear the conversation later when I explain I had a freer day than usual. Knowing I can’t exactly say that I am buying a present for her. Although, that truth may have to come out.
Guilt inside
Another pressure I manufacture is a guilt for not doing all the things that I ‘should’ be doing instead. It includes working on my book, doing reflections on my recent coaching engagement, writing these posts, or tidying my house, my home studio or my office.
Writing lists
Last week when I talked about my Monday I talked about making lists. I did some of that this morning. But this week has way more space for me to fill. I could pile more in. Putting more pressure on myself to achieve more. But what if I wanted to achieve fewer deeper things.
A deep desire for freedom and yet a desire to fence myself in
It’s so ‘silly’ (a word I have used so much with my coach, despite being challenged on) that I have this deep desire for more freedom in my life. And yet, when it is available to me, I create pressures to structure my day, and find speedy tangible progress. Even though I know the real valuable progress doesn’t happen like that. How do I add that to my ‘to-do’ lists.
It makes me think of the relationship between pressure and procrastination…
Pressure and procrastination
When there is less pressure, I manufacture it. Otherwise, I might procrastinate. But not in a healthy way. In a self-destructive way.
The procrastination feels like it follows a release, and yet it is a resistance itself. A resistance to not really want to do that thing. Because it won’t be fun. Because I fear something. Or because of some other mentally manufactured constraint. I have to lower that resistance, or manufacture motivation to get something done.
Resting is doing
I work very hard. I have done for most of my 24 years working career. It’s only in the past few years where I have had more space and less external pressure to do. It’s by design in some ways that I am here. Making less money than I might otherwise. Doing more of what I want. But I still have some wiring within me that doesn’t allow me to switch off. To properly rest.
There’s a great excert from a book like Matt Haig called The Comfort Book that i’d love to share:
“Resting is doing You don’t need to be busy. You don’t need to justify your existence in terms of productivity. Rest is an essential part of survival. An essential part of us. An essential part of being the animals we are. When a dog lies in the sun I imagine it does it without guilt, because as far as I can tell dogs seem more in tune with their own needs. As I grow older, I think that resting might actually be the main point of life. To sit down passively, inside or outside, and merely absorb things — the tick of a clock, a cloud passing by, the distant hum of traffic, a bird singing — can feel like an end in itself. It can actually feel and be more meaningful than a lot of the stuff we are conditioned to see as productive. Just as we need pauses between notes for music to sound good, and just as we need punctuation in a sentence for it to be coherent, we should see rest and reflection and passivity — and even sitting on the sofa — as an intrinsic and essential part of life that is needed for the whole to make sense.”
― Matt Haig, The Comfort Book
It’s ironic, because resting is often key to creativity
It’s so ironic because I know that resting is key to creativity. The best ideas often happen during gestation, after priming, while doing something else. It’s something I have to remind people I work with and coach. We can’t always be on.
And so, I should be excited about what emerges and happens today and go with the flow.
Today is a serendipiday, and I’m going to ride some energy flows. I will probably tick off some things from my list. Make some more for another dat. But I hope the day itself will bring me a taste of that freedom I feel I need.
And that also includes finishing writing this piece here (before an end that would be more satisfying for you).
I’ll leave you some questions here:
- When will you give in to your own freedom?
- When will you carve out time, or just spot it when it’s there, so you can follow your energies?
I’m pretty sure you’ve earned it. And you probably need it more than you realise.
