Balancing shyness and shame
Alcohol, blackouts, embarrassment and social anxieties
Stealing some time after a little shop before I pick up my youngest from football, I wonder what I might write today. Unfortunately, the thoughts are fizzing but fuzzy due to a hangover. I treat myself to a bacon and egg sandwich at the local cafe. A proper little greasy spoon.
Hungover from xmas drinks
I’m hungover because I over-indulged last night at the Group of Humans xmas drinks. It wasn’t like before where I may have needed some extra courage to deal with a crowd of people. I felt more at ease with a small bunch of some of my favourite humans from the collective. But for some reason I couldn’t find the off switch, and the mix of drinks caused some memory loss and a little more tipsiness than I had anticipated.
Alcohol blackouts for 20 years
I’ve been having occasional alcohol memory loss since being at uni over 20 years ago and going rather heavy one night. I couldn’t remember what happened. So my ‘lovely’ friends filled in the gaps. It was hard to discern what was true and what was fabricated for their amusement. In any case, it was suitably embarrassing either way. I remember making a t-shirt that said ‘I’m sorry’, because I was unaware of what I might have done to folk or to myself, and didn’t want to apolgise to a bunch of folk repeatedly as I walked around campus.
These blackouts are fairly rare for me, but I usually get some of the memory back. However, earlier this summer, I had the worst blackout I can remember. Or rather not remember. Between 5–11pm while at a summer festival, I can’t remember anything that happened, or what I did. No memory whatsoever.
Occasional photos surfaced days after. I didn’t look very ‘with it’. We’d been drinking most of the day and didn’t have lunch or dinner. Piling up cans of Red Stripe from the bar because the queue was so long. Apparently we ended the night with shots. That probably wouldn’t help either.
That night, my good friend Warren helped walk me back to the hotel. I have feint memories of him shouting at me as I stumbled down the lane. That was when my memory started to return. I even fell on my face, causing much noise pain and cutting my knee pretty bad.
Shame kicking in
I went to a really dark place after all this. Embarrassed again. But what was worse, is that we were surprising an old friend who was over from the states. I can’t even remember talking to him. Such shame. And such a shame as I was really looking forward to hearing some of the sounds of my youth in the jungle tent with Randall and GQ amongst others. Several months later when my friend contacted me, he said I wasn’t too bad, but I am pretty good at manufacturing doom scenarios in my head. This episode and stuff that surrounded it featured in my therapy and coaching for a few sessions.
The shake I needed?
Thinking back to these blackouts, I decided to contact my GP and inquire about another diabetes test. I am high risk as it is. Obese. My father and my brother being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in the past 10 years or so. And blackouts, I realised after doing some research, are often related to blood sugar issues. Alcohol helps with that obviously.
Several months later, I finally got some tests back and luckily I’m not even pre-diabetic for now. Although my cholesterol is pretty high and need to do more to keep it in check, or I’ll be put on statins. I’m guessing I should cut back on the bacon and egg sandwiches. But I felt like I needed it to function today.
Related to this, I’ve been exploring a whole bunch of health-related tests, including the infamous Zoe programme, a Vitamin D test and more. Part research for a project I was doing and part action to make changes to myself.
Maybe something for the new year? Maybe I’ll build some more healthier habits into my week.
But what about the alcohol?
On it again
I’m conflicted. I’m out again tonight. With some old friends that used to (and some still do) go hard on the drinking. And the rest. My wife will be with me, so hopefully that will temper things. Luckily she looks out for me. Putting up with drunk Jason resisting the advice and the nudges. Maybe I should listen more?
And last night, I was lucky to be supported by some of my Group of Humans friends. One of them escorting me to Waterloo and encouraging me to check in on her when I got home. I remembered to do that. But I did almost leave my phone in the cab from the station. Thank you Uber driver. And thanks Flo for looking out for me.
Alcohol’s shifting role in social interactions
It’s been said many a time before, but it’s a shame that alcohol plays so much of a role in our social interactions. With friends, family, and colleagues. As we come up to the festive period, alcohol raises in prominence again.
It’s getting easier not to drink though. With it being more socially acceptable. And also with having low or non-alcoholic alternatives available in pubs and bars.
Navigating shyness without experiencing shame
I just wish there were more ways to feel more comfortable in myself in social situations without the drink. I am finding it a little easier now through my coaching practice. Talking to (nearly) anyone is what I am becoming very proficient in. Finding it easier to connect. To go a bit deeper than the superficial layers in most banter-ridden conversations. But it doesn’t completely irradicate my shyness, and my fears of talking to the more intimidating people I might want to.
I also do like the odd drink for myself too. Away from social interactions. For that warming buzzy feeling. A good taste. Or a good complement to a meal. It even helps me focus on certain work activities — a beer being a common complement as I write my Friday Thanks.
Will I quit alcohol?
I’m not sure if I’ll completely quit like so many people around me have done. I envy them in many ways. I just don’t think I could do it yet. But I may be more conscious of finding alternatives and integrating them into different situations.
Try to make sure you have support
I hope that if you drink, you don’t have to experience what I have had to. And if you are susceptible to going a bit too far, or getting blackouts, make sure you’re able to have someone there to support you.
And look out for others who may go a bit far
And if you spot a friend, a colleague or a peer in a state, maybe you could keep an eye on them. Escort them some of the way home. And maybe have a kind word or two. They may not listen. But maybe they will. One day at least.
This post is part of an advent calendar challenge I have set for myself. Writing and publishing one piece a day. Whatever emerges. Although sometimes I may work on an idea sparked on another day. An exercise in getting back into the writing groove. But also re-finding my voice. Lowering the barriers of my ego getting in the way of what might be valuable for others, or at least me.
You can check the other pieces here on the newly named ‘Eclectical’ Medium publication.
I am a coach, a product-service strategy consultant, a community connector and so many other things. You can find out more about me, my many interests and how to connect them with yours here.
