Exploring unrequited work relationships
The power and the fear of exploring dynamics between relationships at work
Unrequited love is often explored in many films, tv series and indeed our lives. But how much do we talk about imbalances in our work relationships?
Some questions have emerged for me recently around this from over 20 years of working with a whole range of colleagues, clients and peers.
Does that person enjoy working with me as much as I enjoy working with them? What if I told them? Would it change the dynamic? Would it make it better or worse? Would they think I was being genuine, or would they assume ulterior motives? If I did tell them, and they say ‘me too’, were they just being polite?
So often, we have to wait until we get or give feedback through some form of formal process before we might be close to knowing. And that is highly dependent on the quality of the feedback. Which quite frankly is usually less than valuable.
When exploring this topic with my therapist last Friday, I realised how needy I can be for the feedback. For knowing whether something is working or not. Often I am seeking validation on what is working in terms of the way I am working, or what I am working on. Feeding the critic critter to shut him up before he gets hangry and flips out again.
But actually, I’m often also looking for a greater understanding of the relationship dynamic underneath that. And yet, in my past, I probably wouldn’t want to probe that explicitly.
The odd thing being that I seemed to be focused more on finding someone new to work with. Rather than maintain or return to a previous client or colleague that seemed to work really well.
A few weeks back I caught up with an ex-colleague. She had given me feedback several years ago that I found really helpful in my coaching this year. When I heard she was going freelance, I was immediately keen to work with her again. A few months later, we finally caught up and discussed one of our favourite ever projects. A mutual favourite project. And we connected on how good we were as a team. In fact, it was more than just us. There were a whole bunch of great relationships on that project. And yet, I don’t explicitly return to those relationships.
Connecting the dots, I remember something similar in relation to my approach to new business…
Several months ago when probing my behaviour with my coach, we explored why I seemed to put so much stress on myself marketing to the masses on LinkedIn rather than reconnecting with people I worked well with in the past.
‘What if they don’t want to hear from me?’ I said.
‘What if they thought you didn’t want to stay connected with them?’ my coach suggested in return (or something along these lines).
I may have been creating the impression that I wanted to move on, and didn’t feel anything for them and the relationship. In some ways, I closed the metaphorical door on them.
Because my behaviour was to move forward to the next — rather than return to the past — I was making it harder for myself finding new people to work with amongst the 1,000s that might see something I post. A realisation that I am still struggling to act on.
And yet, with my coaching practice, I am beginning to realise how important the relationship is. Call it chemistry or some form of vibe. It’s a connection that transcends familiar industry, skills, and culture. Whatever it is, in coaching, it is so important in building trust. And trust opens more doors to sharing. Which increases likelihood and scale of transformation.
But what if I took the same approach to my consulting practice, and what if you did the same for your colleagues?
And I know it is hard because sharing how you feel about a relationship can feel vulnerable and awkward. And like with other relationships there can often be an imbalance. One more avoidant. One more anxious. In a work context, being professional means you just have to get along with folk you don’t like or vibe with. But what if there is something stronger there. How do you tell them?
But, what if it isn’t an imbalance? Wouldn’t you want to know? What if the feelings are mutual, just not explicit?
There could be many different scenarios, but consider the following:
- There’s a person you enjoy(ed) working with, that maybe doesn’t (or didn’t) enjoy working with you.
- You and someone else love(d) working with each other, but don’t (or didn’t) share that with each other.
- You and someone else both hate working together, but don’t feel comfortable enough to share why.
It can be so hard to know. And yet the not knowing can send us into a spin. You could think you are in one of the above situations, and actually be in one of the others.
How can we share, without exposing our own vulnerability? Without playing our card, that may make the other feel uncomfortable? Too uncomfortable to continue working together maybe. Will people just reciprocate with something similar to the reactionary, “I love you too”. And so you question whether or not you believe them.
It’s so sad because once we have experienced work love, we may feel rather hollow when we are continually in search of finding anything close. It could be that we can actually find something better. But also, our rose-tinted nostalgia for the past could affect our ability to find that something better. A different better.
Or, we could just reconnect with the people that we worked well with and decide if we want to do it again and build on that.
I don’t have clear answers on this, but Ana Loback said something powerful in a Coach Adviser event last week.
‘I often ask ‘how are we doing?’’. ‘Not how are you doing? How are WE doing? And I ask this regularly in a working relationship?’
It sounds like it could be awkward at first. But I think it could open up an incredible level of openness that could help two people realise how well they are working. And also highlight any areas for improvement if they are not. And by doing this regularly, we can check in on that as the dynamic changes. Because it usually does for some reason.
And thinking back… this reminds me of a powerful practice I experienced earlier this year on a project. But I’ll save that for another day.
I think I’ll leave you with this question.
If you are working with someone at the moment that you’re feeling the vibe with (or did do in the past), how might you check in with them about how the relationship is?
It could be ‘How are WE doing?’ or something else. I’d love to hear what you do, and how it goes.
