Graceful goodbyes and growth
Closing doors, opening opportunities, and feedback as fuel
The ending of a ‘project’ or client relationship is bittersweet for me.
For circumstances often beyond my control and rarely within my desire, I often have to say goodbye to people and work. Some doors closing. And I am not so good at closing doors.
I have to remind myself of the opportunity to open more doors. And I love opening doors.
Today I caught up with someone I coached about two years ago. He shared about where he was at and what happened since we worked together.
Not slamming the door
When reflecting on what stayed with him from the coaching he reflected on how he intentionally focused on a great ending at his job. A graceful goodbye.
Going back into the office, despite some years of remote working. Having loads of people around him, celebrating him as he departed. It sounded like a great ending to a long term employment. Not ‘slamming the door’ on the way out. It sounded like it was a way to celebrate his work and his relationships. Not everyone gets that chance, or approaches it that way. And that feels like a shame.
Ends beyond your desire.
Sometimes a project, or employment comes to a premature end. Premature at least for you. Maybe there was so much more work to do. You needed the money. Or you were enjoying it. Maybe you needed the people who you would interact with. Maybe you just wanted more choice in that decision.
When it’s like this, especially as a consultant or freelance contractor, it can be hard to end in the best way. Signalling that you’d love to stay or stay connected at least without coming across too needy, too salesy, or too saccharine.
For me, it’s usually important to let people know how I feel. Focusing on the positive, but not being insincere. And also great to have the opportunity to request feedback. An opportunity to know how they felt about you, what you did, and how you did it.
Obviously, it would be better to get feedback through the work. I need to get better at that. You probably do too.
Getting the feedback you want and the feedback you really need
Trying to get feedback at the end of a project is key to me now. And key to the future me. It gives me a base to learn from. Some reassurance of what I might have done well. Of how to improve.
I could talk on the value of feedback for a long time. Let’s just say good feedback is so helpful, and yet it is so rare. One of the difficulties is that people are often reluctant to give feedback.
Related, but also separate, people can be unsure of how to deliver feedback in the best way. Often if they do give it, they can gloss over the cracks or use it as a weapon for some agenda they may have.
Either way, sometimes (not always) it’s best to ask and get something.
When starting my relationship with my current coach, I was asked to review and share feedback I had received. Luckily I had started this practice soon after I started my business, so I had plenty and it helped me get a better handle on what people valued about me and the work.
Projecting the feedback you want
As an exercise in my workshops, and in my upcoming book, I often ask people to create a leaving card for their current (or future) role. Imagining what you hoped people would say about the impact you had, and how you behaved. An older version of a take can be found here.
Like a pre-mortem.
People pick different types of people. From different backgrounds, and with different levels of engagement and appreciation. ‘Consider your current enemies I say’. ‘And the advocates’. ‘And people you may have no direct interaction with’. Like users or customers. The conceit being that maybe, just maybe you can change the current relationship or at least perception of you and your value. But project forwards from where you are right now about how you would like them to feel about you and your contributions.
Keeping the right doors open for the future
As part of a good feedback practice you might choose to provide an option for greater dialogue. With this, it’s curious to see who is open to it and who is not. But I (and you) probably shouldn’t dwell on it too much.
I once had someone unwilling to discuss the feedback despite working incredibly closely together for so long. I thought we had got on well. We were the two main collaborators, and we ate and work with each other almost every day for a few months. I didn’t want to worry about it too much, but sometimes there are things you can’t understand right now. Several years later we had the most wonderful conversation. About something else. Sometimes people don’t want to go there and I didn’t want to push.
On the other hand, there are some folk that are eager to discuss. Surprisingly so. This is so intriguing. Sometimes you can’t know for sure the effect you may have had for someone.
Some folk, just want to get a point across. To justify their role or position on the work. Why you may have not gelled. This can be a window into whether you might work with them again, or if you do, how you might adapt your style.
Feedback as fuel and a foundation for the future
Dependent on the nature of the feedback, and its sources, it can be useful to help you build further confidence. In your competence. In your value system. To some extent your identity. Is my authenticity showing through? Do they seem me?
It can also help to fuel areas of development. Ideally those that are important to you. That have come into sharper focus through the interactions of others.
As I reflect on these metaphorical doors, and the power of feedback as fuel, I wonder whether my dislike of closing doors on project work is the realisation that it could mean an unfortunate and unnatural end to relationships I may not rekindle, and narrowing my curiosity around an industry or organisation challenge as I focus on the next. As a creative that can be incredibly limiting, and as a human can feel quite lonely and sad a the same time.
But the story I tell myself is that those relationships may re-emerge down the line, and those curiosities can connect with your next or a future project.
I’m curious how you prefer to end a work relationship, a project, or a job. Because I feel like I have a lot more to learn here.
