Lonely Leaders in London
Getting my ego out of my way, and finally sharing an idea for creating more belonging for one of the communities I hold dear
A few serendipitous threads connect for me as I sit down to this scary piece.
- Monika Jiang’s Sharing loneliness event last night.
- Lauren Currie’s excellent talk at Leading Design in November
- My ongoing explorations into my own professional loneliness and desire for long-term collaborators through coaching
- My own experience of loneliness as a design leader
- An idea I have been playing with for a long while now
- Two coaching conversations yesterday relating to power and connectedness with colleagues
A coffee conversation around connection
Several years ago after one of the Leading Design events, Martina Hodges-Schell and Simon Doggett were having coffee discussing the need for more events for design leaders in London.
Whether it was a pre-meditated thought, or an in-the-moment piece of cheesy alliteration, I blurted out..
‘I have an idea. It’s called Lonely Leaders in London’
Designed around the need for design leaders to get together in a more informal session to discuss their challenges. In a supportive, nurturing environment. With others who experience the feelings of loneliness that so many have when they go up the ranks in design. And I would argue, other fields too. Somewhat similar to the conversations we’d each benefitted from at Leading Design.
We wanted something that wasn’t commercially oriented. The event would have to be funded somehow, but it wasn’t a loss-leader or direct business development for big agency work.
And that’s where my role as an independent consultant could cause problems. I’d already started an event for leaders a few years prior, but pulled away because I felt like I was being privileged to information that I could take advantage of. Unfortunately, that fizzled out pretty quickly as the person who I handed the reins too, just didn’t have enough motivation or capacity to continue. He’s gone off to do much greater things and that is super cool.
A re-emergent idea for The Art of Gathering course
Last year, I signed up to the first ever Art of Gathering course by Priya Parker. As part of this course, we needed to use a gathering idea as subject matter to work through. I chose the Lonely Leaders in London idea I’d had those many years prior.
Ideas have a way of coming back to you. Like a boomerang. Or a whale resurfacing in the ocean. Like the ghouls out of Thriller music video. Or more like little butterflies that re-emerge on a beautiful sunny day when you’re at peace. I guess ideas come back in many ways.
I’d need to dig out my notes to remember exactly what I wrote, but I had some nice framing, for sure. Priya even said so on one of the calls. And she is a badass at critique. I felt a little validated.
The idea, then disappeared again. Or at least lowered in my consciousness as I was tackling a pretty heavy project and still trying to get my book done. Even though I found an old slack message I put out around it at the same sort of time.
Different stages of professional loneliness: as a leader, and as an independent consultant
I feel like I have explored my professional loneliness as a design leader before publicly, but I can’t quite find the reference so I’ll summarise a bit here.
When I was working in some of my previous places of work, I had enjoyed the camaraderie of working with others. Of having healthy friction. Of being challenged to doing better and better work. And for having a good drink, dance or laugh with them after work. When I think back to my favourite place of work (Oyster / Framfab / and then LBi through various acquisitions and mergers), I had all of that.
But things changed over time.
As I became more senior. As I became more responsible for making decisions, and accountable for quality that would ultimately affect my team members, I was no longer their work friends. Or real friends.
Now I was the boss. Their manager. Or their lead on a project.
I would find myself in uncomfortable conversations, uncertain of what I could say. I probably said too much. And not enough. At the same time.
I probably withdrew a lot. And distanced myself. To protect them and me.
Some people would certainly be nicer to me as a point of leverage. I started doubting whether relationships were genuine or not.
More importantly, I didn’t feel part of the gang any more.
I struggled to find the professional partnerships I’d had before in future jobs. I had some successes, but they didn’t last that long. And I did my best to manage my fleeting and more distant relationships.
Through conversations with friends, peers and my coachees I hear similar and different patterns to this a lot of the time.
Several years on, I find myself reflecting on my many attempts to address my professional loneliness as an independent consultant and coach.
I have some apparently great relationships with people I bring onto work, or who bring me on, or who I work with. But it’s often temporary, dictated by the project and a budget. And there’s often a different power differential to the one of manager and report. Client vs consultant, prime consultant vs subcontracted partner, coach vs coachee.
Joining Group of Humans is one thing I did. I suddenly felt a sense of togetherness with a bunch of smart, warm, and talented ex agency creatives like me.
The many other more transient Zoom meetups, and coach cohort sessions I attend also help to fuel some intellectual stimulation, consultant moaning, or coach development.
But I’ve found I’ve still been missing something. And it’s something that re-emerged quite emotionally for me at this year’s Leading Design.
Ego getting in the way
While watching Lauren Currie’s powerful keynote, tears dripped down my face when I felt she was talking directly at me.
I had more than ‘one’ thing already, but to internalise some of Lauren’s messages.
‘my ego was getting in the way…’
…of me getting my book completed and out to the people it is for.
…of me not doing the Lonely Leaders thing.
I spoke to the woman I just met and was sat next to in that talk about the idea and how strongly I felt about it. She seemed interested to help, and we even exchanged messages on LinkedIn around it.
But again it sank below the waterline. Occasionally appearing in my coaching reflections as something that surfaced for me.
Until I attended Monika Jiang’s Sharing our loneliness session last night…
Recognition I needed to do something
Monika had brought together a number of people in person in Berlin on Monday, and this Tuesday she did so online. People joining from all corners of the world. Some recognisable from the House of Beautiful Business events Monika featured heavily with.
Monika shared a lovely and provocative presentation, before a group discussion of around 25+ people. Some spoke articulately around their experiences and reflections of loneliness. Including the positive sides and not just the negative. As was always great during the House of Beautiful Business’ lockdown video calls, the chat was alive with wisdom and very open sharing. Especially those not quite comfortable speaking up. Including me.
One interesting comment emerged that heightened my interest in the LLL. One of the participants talked about how she felt more lonely in London, than in other cities like Paris. One reason being the need for alcohol. And the discomfort with self. And avoiding of conflict.
I was so intrigued, and only heightened my desire to write this today.
To publicly express my desire to do something that helps design leaders navigate their loneliness together. But not so much focus on loneliness per se, but the challenges inherent in design leadership which feel lonely in navigating.
I’m not sure exactly, how, when, or what. But all I know is I don’t want to do it alone.
I need help — I don’t want to do this alone…
Although I am compelled to start something. And i’m pretty good at making things happen. I just know how bad I am at completing things. Especially by myself.
Despite running IxDA London for over 11 years —almost monthly that whole time until the start of this year—I always did it with the help of my partner Boon Chew. And small teams of volunteers that helped with promotion, marketing, curation, food and drink. And we have always had the support of Futureheads to sponsor, with great venue hosts.
I am proud of IxDA London and all that it did. But I didn’t do it alone.
And I don’t want to tackle this alone.
I have found a fellow coach who specialises in loneliness, and we’ve started to chat about it. But i’d be interested in others who want to help with this challenge.
Could that be you?
Or would you be interested in taking part in some ways? And helping to form the initial events?
Some aspects I am keen to explore:
- Whether it should be free or paid for — a challenge in managing attendance vs accessibility vs quality vs commitment
- Profitable or not — affecting motivation, sustainability, support
- In-person, online, or a blend— affecting accessibility, continuity, and experience
- Event-based, or something more
- Specific topics with guest specialists or open and emergent in-session
- A more group coaching modality, or a softer facilitation
Interested in helping or attending?
If you are interested in being involved as an attendee, a co-designer, a leader, or a contributor please fill out the following short survey and I hope to get back to you in the new year for some form of initial design sessions.
Express your interest here: https://forms.gle/3Yo4Qho6syYdG8ye8
This post is part of an advent calendar challenge I have set for myself. Writing and publishing one piece a day. Whatever emerges. Although sometimes I may work on an idea sparked on another day. An exercise in getting back into the writing groove. But also re-finding my voice. Lowering the barriers of my ego getting in the way of what might be valuable for others, or at least me.
You can check the other pieces here on the ‘Eclectical’ Medium publication.
I am a coach, a product-service strategy consultant, a community connector and so many other things. You can find out more about me, my many interests and how to connect them with yours here.
