Charlie’s Fruit Fly Removal Strategy
Since you’re reading this, I’m sure that by now you’ve had at least one or two encounters with the rapidly multiplying hellspawn known as the Drosophila Melanogaster, or simply, the fruit fly. The purpose of this guide is to inform and prepare you for any future outbreaks of these pint-sized demons. I’ll be going through a couple of fool proof methods that have proven effective and have yielded fruitful results (pun intended) But first…
A Brief History of the Fruit Fly
“It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles” -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
The common fruit fly (or vinegar fly) is in the family Drosophilidae. A long time ago, a very silly man named Charles W. Woodworth decided that it would be a good idea to breed these veritable nightmare beasts in order to aid in his advanced genetic research. Shortly after commencing work in 1909 a number of “mutant” flies began to emerge from his experiments. Yes, you just read that right… Charles W. Woodworth, who couldn’t leave well enough alone, went far out of his way, and the way of basic human interest, to create “mutant…flies”.
“But why?” you’re obviously asking yourself. Why create more of these mutated creatures that only seem to thrive from the purest intentions of evil and suffering? The answer to this most logical question is the very reason why we are made to suffer at the many, many hands of this winged nemesis: Aside from their pathetically simplistic genetic makeup and laughably low chromosome counts, fruit flies tend to breed like grease lightening, and in disgustingly copious numbers.
In addition, the female fruit fly thinks it’s okay to dump her 200+ eggs in our food and they prefer pliable, sweet, edible surfaces for their mutant child-rearing. Does anyone want to venture a guess as to what food could possibly fit this description? I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t a Twinkie… That’s right it’s fruit, but not only fruit. In fact, there are a host of suitable nesting grounds for even the most discerning of fruit fly mothers in almost every standard kitchen.
10 Preventive Precautions
- Don’t leave fruit out
- Make sure vinegar is tightly sealed in the refrigerator or cabinet
- Regularly wipe down surfaces
- Don’t leave fruit out
- Don’t leave food in your sink
- Don’t leave dirty dishes lying around
- Make sure all waste bins are covered and sealed
- Don’t leave food residue in drains
- Clean opened containers of fruit juice, liquor or vinegar products
- DONT LEAVE FRUIT OUT
Practical Warfare
Now, we all know that the best defense is a good offense (or so I’m told), and thus I am here to show you one sure-fire way of stopping these vicious bottom dwellers at the source of their treachery.
Fly Swatters
Fly swatters can be fun and there’s nothing wrong with marching into the kitchen and knocking a few of the little suckers out once in a while, in fact, it’s very cathartic. But if you really want to make an effective stand, you will need to use homemade vinegar traps.
Traps
Quick Note: NEVER BUY COMMERCIAL TRAPS
Commercial flytraps are needlessly flashy, expensive, and about as useful as a fork in soup. If you’re going to be an efficient exterminateur (french for fly-hunter), you’re going to have to go old school…
Supplies Needed
2lt. Soda bottle
Scissors
Clear Tape
Sugar
Dish soap
Red wine or cider vinegar
Assembly
Step 1: Remove the lid and label from a clean, empty, plastic two-liter soda bottle.
Step 2: Carefully remove the upper third section of the bottle by cutting along its circumference at approximately where the top of the label used to be.
Step 3: Pour the vinegar (or other attractive liquid) in the cup-shaped part of the now-severed bottle.
Step 4: Add 1 tsp of sugar to the vinegar and stir well.
Step 5: Pour 1 tsp of dish soap into the vinegar mixture and stir gently. Make sure you don’t create bubbles. Fun fact, fruit flies HATE bubbles, along with everything else good and pure in this world…
Step 6: Turn the cone upside-down and insert it into the cup-shaped bottom part of the bottle. Seal the seam at the top of the bottle with masking tape. The design should look something like this…
Flies find their way into the bottle, but can’t get back out. The soap will break up any surface tension so this miraculously buoyant creature will sink right to the bottom. After most flies are trapped inside, simply seal the bottle in a garbage bag and get it as far away from your domicile as possible.
And if you’re wondering when you should start setting up traps, the answer is the SECOND you see one of these soulless succubae roaming around your pantry. It may look harmless, but for every moment you can’t see it, you can bet your sweet potato it’s gettin’ busy with an offensive number of partners and creating hundreds of terrible tikes.
In Summation
Now, this may sound unusual, given some of my stronger language throughout this extremely necessary survival guide, but I do not believe we should hate the Drosophila Melanogaster. No, in fact, I respect them to such a degree that I’ve taken an embarrassing amount of my personal time to craft this manifesto, effectively plotting their destruction. I believe it was once said that…
“I have never advocated war, except as a means for peace” -Ulysses S. Grant
Ulysses was probably a pretty smart guy… infinitely smarter than Charles W. Woodworth, but I digress… I look towards a prosperous future, where we no longer have to fear the hungry gaze of our tiny yet imposing foe. A future where we may coexist in a peaceful understanding. Until that day, however…
“We shall defend our food, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight in the kitchens, we shall fight in the pantries, we shall fight at home and in the office. We shall never surrender.” -Sir Winston Churchill (Slightly Adapted)
Thanks for reading, And good luck!
