2013 in review
I used to publish on social media as my primary platform to share my thoughts; yet the friend request dilemma (people you barely sent you friend requests and you feel obliged to accept coz you want to be “nice” — more than half of my “friends” on fb and renren are complete strangers that I’ve no idea how they added me) made it awkward. Thus the decision to move back to blogging. It is highly advised that when you write you should always have your target audience in mind; in my case, it is me in five/ten/twenty years so that I’d have some record in the midst of all the craziness and anxiety I actually lived, and led an interesting life (I hope). Or maybe in some day this blog could turn into a book/memoir. I realize this post can sound extremely arrogant — but take no offense, I never mean to brag — bragging is for the weak. What I’m trying to do here is to be completely honest to myself and my thoughts and stripe away all the fluff and prose, but to present the inside of my mind.
Time is always a weird abstraction; it doesn’t flow linearly. In search of the madness and things past, I would try to break things down into small chunks so that it’s easy for you to read and easy for me to write — I never write drafts except for research papers.
It’s always hard to characterize things, for what we know is so limited and the risk of over-generalization/sweeping statement/misjudgment so great. Yet I shall try to come up with a theme for my 2013. If there’s a catchphrase, it could be “conflicts”. I constantly found myself disagree with my friends’ view on life/value/almost anything especially in the second half of the year; and at some point I felt I was being misunderstood and hastily misjudged, which was immensely frustrating.Or perhaps it’s all just miscommunications — but when it comes to feelings, I trust my sense more than my sensibility; I could almost instantly tell if someone likes me or is judging me, especially when the people you hang out with are on average two years younger and don’t even try to conceive their emotions/attitudes. Some labels are fair, some I dislike, but others are in general bullshit. Well I guess it’s just impossible to control how people think of me — otherwise PR firms wouldn’t be making tons of money. Yet as I was reading Chiang Kai-shek’s story it occurred to me that I probably should start writing down my thoughts. He cared a great deal about what history remembers him so he kept a journal; I care greatly too! But since my scope is much smaller there might be another effective solution — put things into action and hope time and distance would sweeten my reputation. Reputation is really not money nor tangible goods; but it could be an important part of self-identity and social identity and directly relates to one’s ego. But honestly the strategy I used most is not to care about what others think.
2013 has indeed seen some of my lowest points since I came abroad for school, and only some are academic-related. Call it moral hazard maybe, but since I came to Princeton I’ve found myself trot more and more on the yolo side of argument; when in doubt, I follow my gut feelings more and the reason I used most often: yolo. At this point I guess I would stop deceiving myself that I will not have kids (in fact I’ve come to the realization that I actually really really love kids), and I want to be this cool daddy/uncle that I could proudly tell my stories to my kids/nephews and never run out — because so much drama happened. At the beginning of the year I was in the full swing of a relationship and everything seemed to click; we went skiing with friends, attended formals, did lots of bedside talking and cuddling and it couldn’t better. I’ve also learned a great deal from her, from managing schoolwork to managing my anxiety and building a relationship. then graduation came and she started working in the city while I went on to become a sophomore, aka suffer-more. 80 minutes train ride seemed forever and my calender always seemed full: rugby season, campus job, assignments and readings. I know they are all excuses. I know I was being silly. but it didn’t seem to be working. I needed someone who could be there every night. I’m a physical person (another reason for my rugby love), and physical contact makes me feel safe and calms me down. In my long-standing battle with loneliness and emptiness, I gave in when the first stride hit. I’m glad we could meet up and talk just days before 2013 comes to an end, so we could leave the awkwardness behind and move on to new chapters. Thank you for the love, fun, joy and constant company. it’s been fantastic knowing you and getting close to you — we will keep in touch. You’ve been an important part of my life, for that I’m grateful.
As I mentioned, during some of the lowest time this year, I was depressed. It was hard to imagine me with such a bubbly personality could experience depression — I thought I’ve grown tough and slightly more immune to emotional swings. I was wrong. It stemmed from my misplaced, misconceived and mistaken obsession. I call it my moral debacle — and I’m grateful again that the other side is much much smarter and more sensible and more sane. I’m actually glad we didn’t end up trying out a relationship — it might work out for some time because I would cater to her every whim, but probably not sustainable. And deep inside I don’t even know if I really liked her. I lied when I told her it’s good we can be friends again; we might never become close friends like we used to. I’m still feeling weird. I’m not ready.
See that’s me, dissected from top down and cut open with my ugliest side lying flat. I’m (at least trying to be) radically honest. with myself, with everyone. At least I stayed true to my feelings this year; and I’ve been sincere and genuine to everyone I met, with everything I said. I abhor the idea of taking advantage of/utilizing/profiting from people as if they were tools; yet to my great dismay there are just so many who consciously/sub-consciously engaged in that and use their charm/other people’s affection to their convenience. I can accept that from a social Darwinism point of view, but can hardly imagine myself doing that on purpose. It’s just disappointing to find so many people around are selfish based on my definition; they care so much on their grades, their jobs, their internships, their work, no one seems to be willing to stop or slow down to the pace of life and give up time for their friends, even strangers. Totally understandably, yet extremely upsetting to me. It’s not criticizing based on some observed incidents; it’s rather based on the feelings I got after interacting with people. The only exception I’ve discovered so far, has become my best friend, who has been a great source of support throughout this semester and offered heartwarming company. I’m indebted to her; and I only wish the absolute best for her and her boyfriend. I’m holding it in your record — best-man and kids’ godfather? check.
But probably I’m already doing the sort of thins the ideal me hates. People change; I change too. Yet I only hope I can keep my compassion and conscience no matter where I am, and meet more and more people with that humanity and humility. Humility is not “denying your accomplishment” nor “not bragging”, though they are part of it. Humility is your respect for the unknown, your truly-felt smallness in front of the great existences such as nature, universe, mathematical laws. It’s spiritual rather than behavioral.
That brings up another theme of my 2013: Spiritual quest. A couple things have been bothering me for quite long: 1. which part of my is truly me myself, which part is imposed by society/external source? 2. what is intrinsic, what is external? 3. Does God exist? It could be said that this self exploration is really what I focused on this year, and I’m so glad that I got to take religion 252 with Elaine Pagels, a great lecturer and scholar, on early Christianity. If we take a closer look at how early Christianity grew from a local movement against all the odds and adversary, with multiple leaders executed (Jesus himself included), we can’t help but be awed by its miraculous performance and perseverance. Yet the biggest takeaway for me, despite the revelation how politics played a huge role in almost all the struggle between Christian groups and the state and among the movement’s various factions, is the power of belief, interpretation and understanding. I’m siding with Origen on that Bible is not meant to be taken literally, but rather allegorically — in that we see what we want to see. Jesus Christ is who we want him to be; he becomes powerful when we put our will, lens, en-action on him. He may or may not begotten by a virgin, may or may not rise back from death, may or may not have cured so many sick patients. Yet He represents an image, a symbol for hope that has become so great throughout the two thousand years. I’m still waiting to hear my higher calling; but I believe God exists — he may not necessarily be the Hebrew God or the trinity manifested in Jesus; he might be a complex set of natural laws, might be some sort of representation of the universe. In other words, I believe there are things greater than me, than us, than all of our human beings combined, and this realization along has taught me humility, and kept me buoyant.
Regarding the individual’s identity, how this relates to society and how external factors play a role it, I’ve been pondering on this for quite some time. i definitely see herd mentality around, even in this elite institution — so many people are doing things just because their friends are doing it — how do we know if that’s really what we want, not other people thought we should do this then we talked ourselves into believing that’s what we want? I guess happiness is one of the gauges we have; which means, practically, if we are in the middle of something and we totally forget about time — meaning we put 100% of ourselves into it — that means we are truly enjoying it. Thinking back, writing papers’ been one for me; reading is always one hobby I greatly enjoy; and sometimes writing code.
This time last year I was having major choice crisis, as I saw the divulge of people into WWS and the stretch they put on departmental resources. Last year I was too narrow-minded to consider other options. I’ve been enjoying cos this year — 226 is a lot of cool stuff, 217’s tough but it’s definitely type B fun, and you got huge orgasmic moments when you actually finish the assignment after tons of debugging and it runs beautifully. I almost forgot what I started with — my passion for politics and philosophy, and my aspiration to put what I learnt into practice to benefit millions if not billions. I believe I’m on the right track; COS trains me in problem-solving and all the technical skills I need in this digital age — COS to our time is like physics to our father’s generation, and math to much of our modern age. Computers are integrating more and more tightly into our life: search engines, emails, wearable technology (think Pebble and Google Glass), robots, and in the near future, auto-driving cars. It’s much like binoculars: two lens, one’s fundamental that stays the same, aka human nature, and we view that through our training in politics and philosophy and other humanities; the other keeps changing in tandem with our time, and COS happens to be the lens for this century.
New year’s resolution. read more. experience more. keep in touch with those I love. meet new besties. work out more on my own when there’s no team practice. pick up one language. the list goes on and on, but most importantly, build on self-determination and self-control.
2013 I’ve been to Vermont for skiing, Upstate NY for camping, Yunnan and Suzhou for fun, Ningbo(home)/Shanghai, Auckland to visit Victor, Christchurch, Dunedin to see penguins, Puerto Rico for a short break from Orange Bubble.
There are so many places I haven’t been, so much excellent food yet to taste, and so many interesting stories to live. But destinations don’t matter. Going with the right person, living an interesting life, leaving no regret behind.
2013 you’re been much more than I asked for, good or bad. It’s been great.
2014, I’m here.
