How do I prevent my coworkers from thinking we’re on a date?

Ron Responds #7

Q I am a woman who is pretty friendly, outgoing and spends a lot of time with guys because of my job. However, I think this leads to some of those men thinking I’m romantically interested, and I say this because three men have assumed I have feelings for them in the past few months (which I didn’t) and I get the feeling there are a couple more that might think that me spending time with them is a “date”. I hate asking about this because it sounds like I’m bragging, but I’m not — I don’t want this to happen at all! Should I change the way I am, or do something else? I hate having to hurt people when they tell me they have feelings for me and I wish there was another way. I want to be able to hang out with men without it being assumed as something else!

— Anonymous

AFirst of all, please don’t change who you are, or how you present, to try to avoid the male gaze, unless that’s what makes you feel more comfortable. There are men who will see a fem-bodied person in a snuggie and assume such an outfit is a call-to-action for attention. It doesn’t matter what you wear, it doesn’t matter how outgoing you are — if someone doesn’t understand boundaries, they simply don’t understand boundaries.

I’ve experienced this myself. I used to wear my step-mother’s old wedding ring to conferences hoping that me having a fake husband would deter advances. I’ve tried dressing conservatively. I’ve tried loudly declaring that I have no interest in dating or kissing anyone, at all. I’ve tried every passive measure imaginable to get men to see me as their colleague and/or friend. If they don’t see me that way already, being passive unfortunately never works.

Speaking frankly and openly about how annoying it can be for men to automatically assume that spending any sort of time with them implies that you’re interested can often help. If they don’t take the hint, and if you feel like your job will be safe, it isn’t rude to simply tell them you’re unsure of what their intentions are and that you’re not interested.

In the cases where you might feel like your job isn’t safe, it might be the time to approach HR or a superior if you feel comfortable doing so. Navigating whether or not your colleagues want to have sex with you probably isn’t in your job description, and it isn’t something you should have to focus on.

Best,

Ron

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