So you want to slide into the DMs
“What kind of guitar do you play?”, “what does a web developer do?”, “can you teach me how to code?”. Tinder is exhausting. While I have more patience for the prospects I meet in my daily life, I work so much I’m rarely in a position to meet new people without the assistance of the Internet.
Given the fact that I am pretty open about my life, mental health issues, gender identity and politics, it’s so much easier to date someone I met through Twitter rather than Tinder. In fact, the majority of people I’ve dated in the past few years have been people I met through Twitter, and I enjoy it immensely.
When approached with the proper amount of empathy and consideration, I really appreciate a good DM slide. For those of you who are unaware — a DM slide is when someone sends you a private message via Twitter to strike a conversation, often with the intent of (at least) flirting. I find it incredibly attractive if someone can be forward enough to say, simply, “I really enjoy your tweets. Would you, maybe, like to go on a date sometime?”
But of course, that can also go poorly: I’ve blocked my share of people for very uncomfortably expressing their attraction to me. For some, the distinction between flirting and being a creep is nearly impossible to distinguish. But frankly, the distinction between awkward flirting and harassment isn’t a fine line. There’s an unmistakable difference.
It takes effort to be a good person, but there really isn’t an excuse not to try. Being a creep has no excuses anymore.
Flirting Online Doesn’t Have to Be Awful
Online flirting is easier for me because I can be much more confident in asserting what I’m comfortable with and who I am; however, it’s more difficult to gauge what the other person is thinking or feeling without directly asking. Verbalizing feelings is difficult for many, but it’s necessary in order to be aware of the dynamics between you and the actual human being behind the avatar you’re hitting on.
I’ve been flirting online since the days of trying wooing strangers on Runescape, and if I’m honest, the fact that this behaviour started as part of a collection of online fantasy games caused me to forget there were actual people on the other side of their avatars. Ground rules didn’t exist, and as a teen I was free to experiment and see how people reacted to me in a relatively safe space.
With the advent of social media and our increasing dependence on it, both for our professional careers and as a source of entertainment and connection, flirting online has changed. Unfortunately, many of us haven’t. It’s beyond the time to acknowledge and accept that flirting online has the same impact and consequences as flirting face-to-face.
The past few months have been both terrifying and awe-inspiring. I can’t recall a single day where sexual harassment and assault, both my own experiences and those of others, weren’t at the forefront of my thoughts. The stories are varied and nuanced, and all of them are completely valid representations of the ways that people can objectify and harm others.
To some, they might the see the messages that people are being called out for as someone stumbling through a flirtation and nothing more. They might see themselves in those messages and initially not be able to comprehend what harm is being done.
In many cases, the problem comes from the larger context than the specific messages. What is the power dynamic? Is the person initiating the texts being manipulative of the situation? Is there active and informed consent?
These are questions you should absolutely be asking yourself before sliding into someone’s DMs (or really, hitting on them in any capacity). You absolutely should be questioning yourself. You absolutely should be empathetic towards the situation you’re putting the other person in. You absolutely should put empathy above your own desires to smooch.
Stop Fearing Rejection and Be Clear About Your Intent
Most of us have been trained to avoid vulnerability, particularly when the consequence could be fear or rejection. To try to prevent rejection from happening, we might be tempted to obscure our attempts to date someone with the other things we have to offer. These things can include professional mentorship, opportunities of many varieties, or even access to our social circles.
Twitter is used just as much as a tool for professionals to network as it is for people to connect in a casual social manner. Consequently, being clear about the reasons you’ve approached someone is absolutely necessary. Especially when that reason is the pursuit of romance in any form.
Rejection sucks, but being put into a position where you feel like you can’t reject someone because it might affect your livelihood is infinitely worse. Through honesty, you can help ensure that the person is responding to you because they want to, not because they feel coerced.
Actively seek out consent, and listen to no
If you happen upon a situation where you are rejected, accept the rejection and stop. Accept that your feelings aren’t reciprocated, and move on.
The Friend Zone is a concept contrived by entitled men who feel that any sort of emotional labour is a bargaining chip for physical intimacy. If your intent was to have that person in your life, a friendship shouldn’t feel like a consolation prize. If the prospect of a friendship does feel like a consolation prize, there are many more pressing issues that you should probably work through with a professional.
We don’t understand power dynamics
Power dynamics are a thing that seem to be a near-novel part of the conversation about sexual harassment. The concept is nuanced, and is sometimes difficult to assess. The best question to ask yourself is simple, however: “Can I affect this person’s livelihood or success in a positive or negative manner?” If the answer is yes, it’s even more essential that you communicate your intent.
It’s also a situation where you should consider what your long term goal is: are you interested in dating this person long term or do you just want to fuck them? Would either of these desires impact this person’s well-being? How so?
Even if there isn’t a power imbalance, it’s important to understand that dating someone shouldn’t feel like a pursuit or a conquest. Humans are, well, human. Approaching others with empathy is of the utmost importance in any case. Your little black book shouldn’t read like a scoreboard, but a list of people you connected with.
Flirting and dating through Twitter can be really wonderful, so long as it’s done thoughtfully. Consider the situation you’re creating for the other person and for yourself before sliding into someone’s DMs.
